Interesting Times
by GirlX2
Summary: 'Ted's jaw dropped. A six-inch tall Barney met his eyes.' How will our favorite playboy deal with his new stature? Or can he manage at all? The latest in my line of Lilliputian Syndrome AKA shrink!fics.
1. Chapter 1

Interesting Times

By GirlX2

My first HIMYM fic.

o0o0o0o

"Lilliputian Syndrome. The mysterious phenomenon, and where it came from tonight on Action News one." Robin plastered a cheesy grin on her face. "Our report will get you…shrinking about it."

'I. Hate. This. Job.'

o0o0o0o

A few days earlier…

o0o0o0o

Ted groaned. What the hell happened last night?

'I was out with Barney…we picked up some girls and came up here…they left, but it was so late, Barney just crashed in the tub…because he didn't want to get his suit wrinkled.'

Ted yawned and got out of bed. He had to get to work, although 'work' was now steps from the bedroom. Mosbius Designs could really BE something, if he could just get a client base…

He headed for the restroom, intending to kick Barney out of the tub and get on with his morning.

An empty suit greeted him. Ted frowned. The tie was still on the shirt, which was inside the suit. It was as if Barney had evaporated.

"Is this another magic trick?" He asked the empty air.

"…Ted!..."

A quiet scream reached Ted's ears. "Um. Barney?"

"Ted, help!"

"Where…where are you?"

"I…I don't know."

Barney's voice sounded way weird. Ted looked around the seemingly empty washroom again. The voice seemed to be coming from inside the suit…

'It's his cell phone.' Ted smiled, wondering what the gag was. He dug through the fabric.

"Okay Barney, I have no idea was the gag is, but it's…"

His jaw dropped.

A six-inch tall, naked, and visibly scared Barney met his eyes.

"Oh my God." Ted managed.

The scared expression left Barney's face. "Oh. _This_ dream, okay."

"…Dream?"

"The dream where I'm in the land of giant horny women. I have no idea why _you're_ here, though. Where are the chicks?"

"Barney…this isn't a dream."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Of _course_ it is! Now…" He looked down at himself, puzzled. "…Help me suit up. Huh. Usually my suits are tiny too…weird."

Ted just stood there, letting Barney work things out.

"…And…I'm not tiny, I'm with giants. Everything else is _my_ scale…"

Ted wondered how long this was going to take.

"…And…by now I should have met the amazons who desperately need my seed to breed an awesome race of super cool…" Barney's face went pale. "Oh, my God!"

"There it is." Ted sighed under his breath.

"Ted, help me!"

"What can I do?"

"I…don't know." Barney looked up at the walls of the tub. "Get me out of here."

Ted reached down, but stopped. "You're…kinda naked, dude."

"So?"

"It's there something in the Bro Code about not touching your bro when he's nude?"

"The Bro Code doesn't apply here, Ted!"

_That_ gave Ted cause to pause. Barney was _really_ freaked,

'As he has every right to be.' Ted steeled himself and picked Barney up.

Barney was shaking in Ted's hand. Ted slowly stood up, trying not to frighten his friend any more than he already was. Ted could feel his heart beating rapidly, his breath quick and shallow. He'd never seen Barney this scared.

'If that was you, you'd probably be screaming your head off.' As an afterthought, he grabbed the handkerchief out of Barney's suit pocket with his other hand.

Ted walked into the living room and placed Barney on the couch's end tabled. He laid the handkerchief at his feet.

"It's better than nothing."

"Thanks." Barney folded the cloth into a toga.

Ted watched him, fascinated. Barney was the size of an action figure.

"What happened to you, man?"

"I don't know. The last thing I remember was getting into the tub." Barney's voice was close to a whimper. Ted hadn't seen him this upset since he'd been hit by the bus.

"We've…we've gotta take you to a doctor or something."

"How would that help? It's not like people shrink everyday…or ever." Barney paced the tabletop. "I don't want anyone to see me like this. It's embarrassing."

"More like impossible." Ted murmured. "Maybe the news will have something."

"Ted, please that's the dumbest-"

He turned the TV on, it's volume thankfully low. The words 'Lilliputian Syndrome' flashed over pictures of tiny people. Some were even smaller than Barney.

"Well, that's just convenient."

o0o0o0o

**A/N Yes, I'm obsessed with NPH and shrinking things...so this was inevitable.**


	2. Chapter 2

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Two

o0o0o0o

"Reports are pouring in all over New York about people shrunken to various scales. The smallest so far is a two and a half inch homemaker." The newsman Ted and Barney were watching was going on excitedly. "It doesn't appear to be spreading, but the police urge you to check on any friends or neighbors who haven't been seen. The President says…"

Ted muted the TV. "So, you're not alone in this."

Barney didn't look at him. "I feel awful."

"It…it'll be…"

"No, I mean, awful." Barney clutched his stomach. "Something's wrong."

Ted reached out to his stricken friend, catching him as he fell. "Barney!"

"Feel…sick. Totally un-awesome. " Barney moaned.

The moan turned into a scream as Barney shrank some more. Ted's eyes bugged out as his friend dwindled in his palm. The news hadn't mentioned _this_.

The scream dwindled with Barney. At a hair over three inches, Ted discerned with his architect eye for scale, he stopped.

"Oh, my God." He whispered. "Barney? Talk to me, bro."

Barney curled into a ball, barely visible under the handkerchief. "That…really hurt."

There were no words. How could there be? In lieu of talking, Ted stroked Barney's back with his finger. He tried not to notice that the digit was longer than his friend.

Barney shuddered under the larger man's touch. "What if that's not it? What if I just keep shrinking until I'm gone?"

"That's not gonna happen. The news said the smallest person was only a little smaller than you."

"So what? If people shrunk to nothing overnight, no one would know."

Ted had no answer for this.

"How small am I, anyway?"

"Right now you're-" Ted calculated "1/24th scale."

"What's that mean?" Barney's shuddering lessened.

"An inch is two feet to you."

"That means I'm barely over three inches tall." Barney sat up, clutching the handkerchief to his chest.

"Yeah."

They sat quietly for a few minutes.

"Ted?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry."

o0o0o0o

Marshall flew up the flight of stairs. Ted had called him half an hour ago, freaking out about Barney. Marshall hadn't seen the news today. He assumed it was some kind of prank.

Or, he would have if it weren't for the fear in Ted's voice.

"He's _tiny_, Marshall. I saw him shrink! And now, I…I don't know what to do. Please, come over."

What choice did the young lawyer have?

He didn't bother knocking, but just went inside. "Ted? Barney?"

Ted's head poked out the bedroom. "In here. But keep it down—that's way too loud for him."

Marshall walked slowly, not wanting to see. Either it was a massive prank and he was the must gullible man in the universe, or…

Barney, wrapped in a scrap of cloth, was sitting on Ted's pillow. He managed a weak smile. "Hi Marshall."

Marshall clapped a hand to his mouth in amazement. "B-Barney?"

"Yeah." His voice was higher, and hard to hear, but it was definitely Barney.

Marshall reached out and picked him up, tweezing him between his index finger and thumb. The grin dropped off Barney's face, replaced with a look of pure terror. He began to tremble.

"Marshall, don't! He doesn't like that." Ted hissed.

"I'm not gonna hurt him." Marshall insisted, bringing Barney to eye level. "I just wanna see."

"M-M-Marshall, the Br-bro code prohibits t-t-errifying a bro for n-no good reason." Barney stuttered. Arms pinned to his sides, he felt even more helpless. "Y-you're hurting me!"

The curiosity dropped off Marshall's face, and he quickly lowered Barney towards the bed.

"Don't!" Barney let out as a gasp as Marshall dropped him the last few inches into the bedspread—a fall of six feet, or more as far as he was concerned. He hit the soft surface hard, knocking the wind out of his lungs.

"Marshall, what the hell!" Ted shoved him away from the bed. "You can't do that to him!"

Marshall looked a bit confused. "I thought—"

"You _didn't_ think! Barney's too small to be tossed around like that." Ted growled. "You could have killed him Marshall! And it's not okay to just pick him up, especially like that. He's not a toy."

Shame flamed in Marshall's face. "I'm…I'm sorry, Ted."

"Apologise to him. Quietly." Ted's face was stony.

Marshall got onto his knees. Barney looked at him, frightened.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you, or hurt you. I…I'm a big idiot." Marshall swallowed. He'd never seen Barney look that way at him before; like he was a monster.

He reached a hand out to his friend, stopping when he saw Barney flinch.

He dropped his hand.

Barney dropped his eyes to the bedspread. He was still shivering. He'd never felt so helpless…so terrified. Ted's hands had been gentle, only touching him when he said it was okay. Not grabbing him, not squeezing him, and definitely not _dropping_ him.

The world wasn't full of Teds, though.

'Marshall's my friend. He wouldn't hurt me.' Barney looked at the giant, stricken face.

'Not on purpose, anyway.'

o0o0o0o

**A/N Remember, I feed on reviews! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Three

o0o0o0o

The three men sat awkwardly in the bedroom, Marshall seated as far away from Barney as he could get. Barney was sitting in Ted's hand.

"What do we do now?" He asked.

"I…I could go out and buy some doll clothes." Marshall desperately wanted to leave.

"That sounds good. I can call the 1-800 number the TV keeps flashing to report this." Ted said. "There might be something we're supposed to do. Somewhere we've gotta go so Barney can get examined."

Barney flinched. "I don't want anyone touching me."

"I'll be there the whole time, Barney. I promise."

Barney swallowed the thick lump in his throat. "Can't we just give them my name and hang up?"

"No. What if there's a way to fix this?" Ted asked. "There might be a cure or something."

Barney didn't dare to hope.

"I'll get some clothes. You call the number." Marshall fled, biting back his half-assed apologies. Nothing he could say would make Barney feel better. Best to just…go.

After Marshall left Barney snuggled closer to Ted's fingers, seeking both warmth and comfort. "Ted…Thank you."

"No problem, bro."

"No, not just for…well…I mean…you're treating me like a person. I'm not a toy to you." He stumbled over the word 'toy'. "And…out there, that's what I will be. To everyone."

"Marshall…he just got excited. You know how he can be." Ted sighed. "Not everyone will react like that."

"Okay." Barney didn't sound convinced.

The knock at the door startled both men. Ted's fingers curled protectively around his tiny friend.

"Ted? Open up, it's Robin and Lilly!" Lilly called, sounding worried. "Marshall called us."

"Oh, NO." Barney looked up at Ted. "You can't let them in!"

"Barney, what else am I supposed to do?" Ted hurried towards the door. "They'll find out sooner or later."

"But—but-"

Barney's protests fell on deaf ears at Ted opened the door. The two women stood there, large as life, and worried.

Ted held Barney behind his back. "Guys, keep it down."

Lilly's eyes went wide. "It's true? Barney's six inches tall?"

"Not exactly." Ted sighed and brought his hand around. Barney was clutching his index finger with both hands. "He shrank some more."

Robin gasped. "Oh…God. I saw on the news, but I didn't think…oh, Barney!"

Barney's cheeks grew red. The woman he loved was seeing him helpless, and practically naked. Not good.

"He's adorable!" Lilly squeaked.

"Are you insane?" Ted asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, but he is." Lilly peered closely at her friend. "How do you feel?"

"Like a science project." Barney muttered.

"His voice is all squeaky!"

"So's yours." Robin rolled her eyes. She'd never been one for cutesy stuff. "Barney, are you okay? Is there anything we can do?"

"No, I-" Barney's sentence ended abruptly in a squeak of terror as Robin's giant hand reached out to pick him up.

"No!" Ted snatched his hand away. Barney was jostled violently against his fingers, but didn't particularly care.

"Ted, what—"

"He…he doesn't like being picked up."

"You're holding him."

"That's..different." Ted swallowed awkwardly. 'How the hell do I explain?'

Lilly understood. "Barney…is it _okay_ if I hold you?"

Barney looked a bit bewildered at the request, but nodded. "Uh, sure Lil."

She held her palm flat next to Ted's. Barney walked across his friend's hands, feeling very weird.

"You're so _light_." Lilly whispered. "You were really six inches tall earlier?"

"Yeah." Barney nodded sadly at the memory. "I haven't gotten any smaller since, though. Ted thinks it was a one-time thing."

"I hope so, there'll be nothing left otherwise." Robin muttered this quietly, but Barney heard. He felt himself growing faint.

"Don't say things like that." Ted growled. "He's scared enough already."

Lilly looked at Ted quizzically. "What's there to be scared of? You're here, and Marshall…Where is Marshall?"

She felt the tiny man flinch.

"What did he do?" She asked Barney, quietly and calmly.

"N-nothing, it was nothing." Barney gulped. "He was just…a little excited. He kinda…grabbed me, then dropped me."

Robin and Lilly both looked horrified.

"I'm gonna kick his ass." Lilly growled.

"No, he feels awful already. He's gone out to buy me some clothes." Barney's heart wasn't in his words, but it was the right thing to say.

"Marshall's usually so gentle." Robin murmured. "He must have been _really_ bowled over."

"Barney, I'm sorry. No wonder you don't want to be held." Lilly said. "I wouldn't either."

"Listen guys, I'm gonna call the 1-800 number on the news. If you two could stay with him while I do that, I'd appreciate it." Ted frowned as Barney shook his head and mouthed 'No!'. "It'll just be a minute."

"Yeah, no problem." Robin said. "Maybe you wanna hop in the shower too."

Ted was suddenly painfully aware of the face that he was still in his boxers. "Yeeeah. Good idea."

Barney watched in dismay as Ted left him in the care of the two women.

"…I don't suppose I could convince either one of you that flashing me is the only way to cheer me up?"

"Nope."

o0o0o0o

**A/N So glad to hear people like this! Every time a review e-mail shows up, it makes my day. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Interesting Times By GirlX2

Chapter Four

o0o0o0o

Ted let the hot water beat down on his back. He forced himself not to jump out of the shower; Barney was completely safe with Robin and Lilly. There was no reason to worry.

'You really believe that?'

He shut the water off.

o0o0o0o

"This is a great idea, Lilly."

"I'm glad you think so." Lilly's eyes were shut tight. "Could you hurry up and get in?"

"It's not like you haven't seen me naked."

"Yeah, that doesn't make it any easier."

Barney rolled his eyes and slid into the hot water. "Alright."

Slowly, Lilly straightened the mug full of hot soapy water she'd been tilting. Barney slid a little on the smooth porcelain surface, the water lapping at him. It felt amazing.

"I still say the teacup was a better idea." Lilly sighed, opening her eyes. "You'd be able to get in and out by yourself."

"I'm not taking a bath in a teacup." Barney glared up at her. "I have _some_ dignity."

"But it'd be safer, and sooooo-"

"Please, don't say cute."

"…Fine. I won't. But it would be."

Barney thanked whatever God was watching him that Robin had stepped into the hall to answer her cell phone. This was embarrassing enough without her watching.

As if answering this prayer, Lilly's phone bleeped.

"It'sMarshall." Lilly looked a little guilty. "I'll take it in the living room. Will you be okay for a few minutes?"

"Of course. Go talk to your Godzilla husband." Barney waved her off with a semblance of his usual humor. Lilly smiled and retreated into the living room.

Barney sighed and closed his eyes. The hot water felt _great_. Lilly's voice dropped to an ignorable drone.

*Skitterskitterskitter*

Barney frowned and opened his eyes.

*SkitterskitterSTAMPSTAMP*

'Okay, not imagining that!' Barney eyed the high walls of the mug. They were too slick for him to grab on to and look over the edge, but maybe if he could just jump high enough…

He jumped, and caught a glimpse of the kitchen. Nothing.

"Maybe it's just something mechanical."

*STAMPSTAMPTHUDTHUD*

"Lilly?" Barney called, starting to panic. "_Lilly_?"

Lilly continued to talk to Marshall.

'I can hear her, but she can't hear me.' Barney realized.

*THUDTHUDTHUD* The source of the noise was right next to the mug. Steeling himself, Barney leapt up, determined to see.

A living nightmare waved its antenna in his face.

Barney screamed, dropping back into the water. A gigantic cockroach was on the mug!

'Not gigantic, Stinson. And as far as that thing's concerned, you're lunch.'

Barney heard the stamping start its way up the mug.

"tedtedTedTedTEDTED**TED**!"

Nothing.

'I'm gonna die with everyone in the apartment.'

He was too small to knock the mug over, and he couldn't climb out. A desperate plan formed as two whip like antenna crested over the rim. Barney took a few deep breaths and sank below the water line.

'If I can just hold out till one of them comes back, I'll be…'

An enormous leg clawed furiously at the water.

o0o0o0o

Robin hung up, finally free of her boss. He was demanding she get to the station right away to cover the Lilliputian story. She promised to be there ASAP, but it would probably be a few hours.

Lilly stood near Ted's desk, chatting on her own phone.

"Where's Barney?"

'He's in the kitchen.' She mouthed.

Robin nodded. Maybe Lilly had fixed him a scrambled egg; they wanted to start out on soft foods and go from there.

'Not that he could eat a whole egg. He's only gonna need…'

She frowned at the odd splashing sound coming from the apparently empty kitchen. "Barney?"

The splashing was coming from a mug. Robin peeked in.

A roach paddled on the surface.

Robin wasn't a timid woman; she carried a gun and didn't use it lightly. ButNew Yorkroaches still scared the bejeezus out of her. There weren't any inToronto, or if there were, they were decent enough to hide unlike their uncouth American cousins.

"UGH!" Robin's hand struck the mug, seemingly of its own accord; she couldn't recall moving.

The knocked-over mug spun lazily, discharging water, the roach…

And one unmoving pink form.

"Barney?" Dumbfounded, but only for a moment. It was obvious what had happened.

It was also obvious that the tiny man wasn't breathing.

Again, as if a higher power had taken control of her hand, she reached out to him, and flicked a finger against his back.

'Can't try rescue breathing or compressions, I'll kill him.'

His lips were blue.

"C'mon Barney, _breathe_!" She got ready to flick him again.

A thin jet of water spouted from Barney's mouth as he rolled into his back. He began coughing violently.

"Thank God." Robin whispered.

"Nuh-nuh-nice aim, Scherbatsky." Barney's voice was hoarse. "You shoot…with that hand?"

Robin wanted so badly to embrace him. She settled for wrapping him in a dishcloth.

"Don't you ever, ever scare me like that again, Stinson." She choked.

"Glad…to oblige." Barney looked as the Roach scurried away. "Since when…does Ted have roaches?"

o0o0o0o

**A/N Gotta give a shout-out to Berserker Nightwitch for giving me a lil inspiration. You rock!**


	5. Chapter 5

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Five

o0o0o0o

"What were you thinking? I asked you both to do _one_ thing, and Barney almost got killed because you didn't do it!"

"Ted, Robin's the one who _saved_ me." Barney pointed out. He was still sitting in her hand. After nearly dying, embarrassment didn't really figure into Barney's top awful things about being shrunk.

Plus, Ted was still yelling, and Barney had no desire to get any closer to him than necessary.

"You wouldn't have needed to be saved if these two hadn't…hadn't…"

Ted trailed off. Lilly was crying.

"Don't you think we know that, Ted?" She didn't sound shaky, but she looked ready to crack. "Don't you think I know that Barney nearly _died_ because I did something stupid?"

"Lilly, don't." Barney hated when women cried over him, especially when it wasn't over his made-up stories about heading to the moon, or on a deep-sea mission.

"Ted, it's not like someone can be with Barney every minute." Robin pointed out.

"Why not?"

"Uh, because I'm a grown man." Barney refrained from adding 'duh', but only just.

"Barney, you barely qualified as a grown man before you shrunk, let alone now." Ted snapped. "Why aren't you more pissed about this?"

"Because Robin's right!" Barney snapped back. "Someone can't be with me every minute of the day."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm a self-employed architect, with no girlfriend, working from my apartment. So I guess _I_ can be with you." Ted looked a little surprised after he finished shouting, as if he hadn't meant to say that.

"You…really plan on staying with me all the time?"

"Well…kinda. Until I can trust the rest of these guys, at least." Ted stopped screaming.

"Hey, I'm the one who saved Barney and killed the roach!" Robin protested. Lilly let out a watery laugh.

Barney looked troubled. "Ted…that'd just make me a burden."

"Hey, considering all the time I'm saving by not being your wingman, it'll work out even."

"Woah, woah, who said you weren't my wingman any more?"

Ted laughed. "Barney, they're saying less than 20,000 people in New York have Lilliputian Syndrome. Figure out the odds on pick-upable tiny women."

The slight feeling of joviality that had made its way into the room evaporated.

"Ted…_no_." Robin sounded horrified.

"Challenge accepted! I, Barney Stinson, will find another woman with Lilliputian's and pick her up!"

"Oh, thank God, I though he was gonna try to kill himself." Lilly muttered.

"Fine. But wait a week or so, okay?" Ted tried to switch topics.

"Well, obviously, Ted." Barney sounded exasperated. "I've got a bunch of things to do before I bring a girl back here. Like get a suit made."

"Glad you've got your priorities straight." Ted found himself smiling. "Look, I'm gonna make that call, finally. But I'm not leaving the room."

"Fine. I'll just have Robin and Lilly help me make a list of things to bring over from my apartment."

"Things you're too small to use." Lilly pointed out.

"Well…it'll make this place look cooler anyway."

As the three began arguing about weather or not Barney's stormtrooper could be moved, Ted made the call. It rang for what seemed like an overly long time.

"Lilliputian Syndrome hotline, state the name and height of the affected." An utterly bored woman came on the line.

"Uh, Barney Stinson, a little over three inches."

"Is Mr. Stinson injured?"

"Uh, no. But he almost-"

"Is there a number you can be reached at, Mr.?"

"Mosby, Ted Mosby." Ted gave her his number.

"Thank you. We'll be calling in the event that any progress is-"

"Wait! That's…that's all? There's not a doctor to go see?"

"Mr. Mosby, let me tell you what I've told everyone. Despite what the general population thinks, the American government is not equipped to deal with every single thing that comes up—especially this."

"So…there's nothing more you can tell me?"

There was a slight pause. "I'd recommend some reading is in order, Mr. Mosby. Start with The Indian in the Cupboard. It'll have some useful tips."

"What if my friend gets hurt? Where should I take him?"

"Find a good vet. They're the only ones equipped to deal with that scale.

Ted swallowed hard. "There's…they're working on a cure, right?"

"Goodbye, Mr. Mosby. Someone will be in touch…eventually."

The line went dead.

Ted was shocked. He'd expected a demand to visit some facility, the promise that CDC agents would descend on his apartment…_something_.

Anything.

It was only one in the afternoon, and Ted was already bewildered about how to proceed. He needed guidance.

The door swung open. Marshall came in, a bunch of packages in his hands. The two women and Barney froze.

"I wasn't sure what…I just got anything I could find. There was a run on doll-sized furniture at the toy stores, but some stuff in Barney's scale was left." Marshall mumbled, eyes downcast.

"Thanks, Marshall." Barney managed a small smile.

"Yeah, no problem." He seemed to perk up a little. "How's everything going here?"

The four full-sized friends shared looks.

"Baby, I'll explain while we see what you bought." Lilly sighed.

As they explained what happened in his absense, Marshall presented Barney with a small package, set apart from the others.

"Maybe this will make you feel a little better." Marshall tried not to look horrifed over the story he'd just been told.

"You found me a suit!" Barney was practically squealing with delight as he opened the package.

"It's just a doll suit, but-"

"It's better than no suit at all. Marshal, you're officially forgiven." Barney held the garment to his chest like a child with a teddy bear. "I can get more made later."

Everyone averted their eyes while Barney changed.

"He seems to have gotten over almost dying pretty quickly." Marshall whispered.

"Yeah, _seems_." Lilly sighed. "Barney always _seems_ to be fine when bad stuff happens."

Ted shook his head. "What do we do about it?"

"We let him deal with it in his own way. He'll talk about it when he's ready." 'And to who he feels comfortable with.' Robin added silently.

"It fits! I mean, it's not perfect, but it's better than the dishtowel." Barney squeaked happily.

This brought a smile to his friend's faces.

"I'm glad." Marshall said. "It was the last one in the store."

"Well, let's see what else you got!" Barney said impatiently, and began pawing at the other packages.

Ted smiled. 'I'll let him have his fun. He'll deal with it when he's ready.'

'I hope.'

o0o0o0o

**A/N NOT HIMYM, but still NPH related. I'm gonna be singing NPH's part of 'My Eyes' from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (I'm a female Tenor [well, soprano, alto, tenor]) in a few months for my theater's group's Valentine's day review. :D So excited!**


	6. Chapter 6

Interesting Times, By GirlX2

Chapter Six

o0o0o0o

"Nice job, Ted. This tastes relatively awesome."

"Only relatively?"

"Just because I'm scaled-down doesn't mean the awesome should be. This is only semi-awesome."

Ted sighed. "Barney, just eat your egg."

"I'm full."

"You barely touched it."

"Hey, I've got a stomach the size of…I have no idea, but I'm done." Barney stood up and strolled away from the saucer full of scrambled egg and bacon bits. "I'm gonna start arranging my furniture."

"Sure you don't want my help with that?"

"Ted, the Bro code clearly states that a Bro is only called in to move another Bro's most troublesome piece of furniture, be it a couch, futon, or water bed." Barney said seriously. "I'll handle everything else myself."

"Okay, but some of those pieces aren't built to your scale, so if you need help-"

"I've got it." Barney waved him off.

"Alright." Ted continued to eat, but kept his eyes on Barney.

Barney rolled his eyes. He might have been _little_, but he wasn't a little kid. What trouble did Ted think he'd get into arranging his furniture?

He studied a large, somewhat ugly chair. It was clearly sized for a Barbie doll; why had Marshall even bought it?

'Well, it's one of the only things that's actually made of fabric and padding instead of plastic.' Barney thought. He paused a moment to glance at Ted, who was suddenly interested in the TV, and climbed into the massive chair.

Ted looked at his friend, tried to bury a snort of laughter, and failed.

"It's comfortable, at least."

"Sorry, sorry. I know Marshall did the best he could." Ted said. Marshall, Lily, and Robin had left to get to their jobs; Marshall even promised to explain to Barney's bosses what had happened. They'd all be coming back that evening.

Barney got out of the chair and wandered about, inspecting the other things. There was a bed built for a larger doll (ten feet long, as far Barney was concerned), a few non-suit articles of clothing, a plastic table and chairs set at his scale, and a few other odds and ends that looked more suited to a Power Ranger's play set than a real person.

He didn't care. It was nice to have some things around he didn't have to look up at.

"Do we need to get you a dollhouse or something?"

"I'm not gonna spend my time in a dollhouse." Barney felt ill at the prospect.

"The open space doesn't bother you?"

"Sure, but not as much as _that _would." Barney shuddered. "A few pieces of doll furniture are fine, but that's it. Okay?"

"If you're sure."

"It's just so…girly." Barney flailed, trying to find a name to put to his discomfort. Girly wasn't precisely it, but it'd do for Ted.

"So, a dollhouse that _wasn't_ girly would be okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Well, then, I guess the last thing Marshall bought should be just what we're looking for." Ted smiled and pulled a large package from under the table.

"The Transformazoid Tower?" Barney read doubtfully.

"Yeah, it's from this new kid's show. Definitely not girly."

"It's shaped like a T-Rex, so that's a plus…"

"I know, right?"

"…but it's also a huge hunk of plastic. Why not just stick me in a habbitrail and be done with it?"

Ted's face fell; he'd clearly been hoping Barney would love the T-Rex shaped command center.

"I'm sorry Ted, but I really, really don't want to live inside a toy."

"I get it. I guess I wouldn't either." Ted looked thoughtful. "Maybe I can make something that's less toy-ish. I've got some models of my buildings that are pretty realistic."

"Hey, yeah. That actually sounds pretty good." Barney perked up.

"Cool. I'll just have to run out to the store and…shit."

"Hm?"

"Well, if I'm going out, I've gotta take you with me."

Barney's fleeting sense of well-being evaporated. "I don't wanna go out there. Not like this."

"The shop will be closed by the time everyone else get's back here." Ted stood up and started looking for his shoes. "If I'm gonna do this, I need a lot of supplies."

"Can't you just wait a couple days?" Begging was imminent.

"Barney, listen; you're gonna have to go out at some point, especially if you want to make good on that whole 'Scoring a girl with Lilliputian's' challenge."

"But-"

"The sooner you go out, the faster it'll be over." Ted, finished dressing, stood over him. "If you want, I can keep you in my pocket so no one will see you."

"It'll…it'll be too loud!"

"What about the cotton ball earplugs you're wearing?"

Barney felt panic rising in his chest. "I…"

Ted debated silently with himself as Barney stammered out a litany of excuses. 'I'm doing this for him. It'll work out in the long run.'

He scooped Barney up and swept him into the pocket of his blazer, making sure it wasn't one the seatbelt would lay across. "It'll take 15 minutes, tops."

"Ted!" Barney's shout was indignant instead of terrified. A plus, the architect figured.

Ted hurried out of the apartment, trying to assure himself he'd made the right call.

Barney tried to find footing in the cloth, couldn't, and collapsed into a sitting position. Ted was taking the stairs quickly, if the monumental shaking was any indication.

Dull anger rose in Barney. 'So much for him respecting me enough not to just pick me up.'

He ruefully reviewed his mental checklist. Marshall, too big even at normal size to handle him. Lily, meaning well, but just unequipped to deal with the responsibility. And Robin…

'God, I miss Robin.' Barney leaned against his friend's chest mournfully. Until he was back to normal, if that EVER happened, Scherbatsky lost to him.

That left Ted, who was willing and able to accept the responsibility; a little too much so, apparently. It hadn't escaped Barney's notice that Ted's fabled fathering instincts were rearing up like mad.

Ted slid into his car. "Still doing okay?"

"Ye-es." Barney grumbled.

'He means well. They all _mean_ well.'

This thought was less comforting than it should have been.

o0o0o0o

**A/N What with Christmas and my TWO new plays (I'm gonna be a Bad Idea Bear in a local production of _Avenue Q!) _the updates will be a little slower than they've been. Sorry about that. Also, there's my obligatory Dr. Horrible reference. Enjoy.**


	7. Chapter 7

Interesting Times, By GirlX2

Chapter Seven

o0o0o0o0o0o

Ted spilled packages into the car's passenger seat. "See? That wasn't so bad."

"Ted, if you don't take me out of your pocket right now, I'm gonna get Marshall to slap you. And he'll do it—he wants to make it up to me."

Ted carefully extracted Barney from his blazer. "Look, I'm sorry that-"

"Save it, I know you're not." Barney glared at him, and hopped off his hand, onto the passenger seat. "Let's just go."

"You're gonna ride out here?"

"Yes." Barney set his back against a package of modeling clay and looked out the window, away from Ted.

Ted shrugged and made a mental note to take the turns as slowly as he could. Barney shook a little as the car rumbled to life, but said nothing.

'Well, he's not scared any more, just pissed at me.' Ted sighed inwardly. His plan had worked. Sort of.

o0o0o0o

The ride home was uneventful. Just very quiet. Ted carried Barney up the apartment, and tried to ignore the stares and gasps from the few people they passed.

He placed Barney on the coffee table with the furniture Marshall had bought. Barney, still saying nothing, got into the huge chair and stared at the muted TV.

"If I'm gonna make you a place to live, we probably should discuss what you want."

"Just make it like my real apartment."

"There's nothing you'd want to change?"

"My apartment is awesome already. If you can actually find something to improve, go ahead." Barney said coldly.

Ted saw he wasn't going to get anywhere until Barney cooled off. He trudged to his desk and began to sketch.

After a while, Barney risked peeking over at Ted. His friend was concentrating on drawing. Usually when he worked, he looked goofily happy. Now, he just looked sad.

An iota of what passed for guilt flitted through Barney. Ted really was just trying to help him…And frankly, being outside the apartment hadn't been nearly as scary as he'd feared. Granted, he'd been in Ted's pocket the whole time, and hadn't seen anyone, but still. It was a step.

"Ted?"

"Yeah?" Ted looked up hopefully.

"Maybe…maybe there's one or two things you could make a little more awesome." Barney gave him a small smile.

Ted grinned. "I was hoping you'd say that."

o0o0o0o

After a few hours of sketches, Ted had a firm basis for the Lilliputian-sized apartment. It was gonna have a removable roof for easier access as well as a few other handi-capable changes, but basically resembled Barney's actual apartment.

"Ted, can we go to MacLaren's tonight?"

"Um, sure. You're ready to go out?" Ted asked, surprised.

"I don't know. But like you said, the longer I put it off the worse it's gonna be." Barney shrugged. "And after today, I really want to have some fun."

"Okay. But we still have a while before everyone else gets off work. I'll get started on the frame."

"Cool. Just one thing first."

"Shoot."

Barney peered over the edge of the desk. "I want you to put me on the floor."

"What?"

"I'm sick of being stuck on top of things; I want to walk around a little."

"I…I'm not sure that's safe."

"Ted, we're alone. I'm not gonna get stepped on, and I'm not going to get eaten by anything." Barney rolled his eyes. "I won't even leave the living room!"

"Well…" Ted was clearly uncomfortable with the idea.

"Don't make me use the puppy dog eyes."

"Yeah, that only works on girls."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Just a few minutes. Please?"

Ted nodded reservation in his eyes. "Alright. I guess you can't get into too much trouble."

Barney stepped into his hand and Ted lowered him slowly to the floor.

"It's not dusty." Barney noted with a touch of surprise.

"Just because I'm a bachelor doesn't mean I'm a slob."

He wandered under the table. "No huge easy-to-fall-into floor cracks, either."

"Okay Barney, I get it. You're safe." Ted sighed.

Barney wandered aimlessly under the desk, noting the dings and scratches with surprise. The desk had looked amazing six feet ago (well, as amazing as any desk made out of non-mahogany, unlike his magnificent desk, could). In fact, a lot of things looked more worn and uneven from his new perspective. To wit, the sudden ditch in the floorboards he found himself stumbling over.

This was all so bizarre.

He jumped over the gap. It wasn't nearly big enough for him to fall into; even Ted would have noticed a dent that big.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, fine." Barney shook his head. He walked out from under the desk, towards the couch. Feeling a tad less adventurous, he glanced back at Ted. He was laying some wires onto a wooden board.

'He's making the floor of my apartment.' He swallowed a sudden painful lump. This was really going to happen; he was going to be living with Ted. until God knew when, in what essentially was a fancy dollhouse.

He turned back to the back of the couch. Its leather was a lot more worn from this angle.

'I could climb that.'

"Challenge accepted." He said under his breath. Ted probably couldn't hear him anyway, but better safe than stopped by his well-meaning best friend.

He started to climb.

Ted was absorbed in his work, for how long he couldn't say—he didn't even glance up until Barney was at the top of the couch.

"Ted! Check it out!"

"Wh…how did you do that?"

"Um, I'm awesome, remember?" Barney panted, a bit out of breath.

"Yeah, but that had to be almost a hundred foot climb for you." Ted was astonished.

"Pfft, no biggie. I climb rocks all the time, this was way easier."

"When do you climb rocks?"

"When I'm doing 'The Rock Climber.' Have you even _read _the playbook?"

"You could have fallen!"

"Ted, please, I'm not some klutz who—whoa—" Barney waved his arms theatrically, making Ted jump to his feet. "Ha! Made you flinch."

"Not funny." Ted growled.

"You're overprotective." Barney waved dismissively. "I'm fine."

The door to the apartment flew open as Robin ran inside. "Guys, you'll never believe what the station wants me to do!"

The rush of air from the door swept over the full sized inhabitants unnoticed. To Barney, it felt like a gale-force wind.

"Ted!" He cried out as he was swept from the couch.

There was no time to think. Ted dove towards the couch, hands stretched out.

o0o0o0o

**A/N Merry Cliffhanger-mas!**


	8. Chapter 8

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Eight

0o0o0o0

He wasn't going to make it. It wasn't self-doubt or a horrible premonition; simple physics told Ted it was impossible. And he knew a lot about physics.

'A human body falling is gonna be way faster than a human body diving.' His thoughts went at lightning speed as time slowed down. 'Never, never, never-'

His astonishment when Barney hit his palm almost made him drop the man. He landed roughly on the floor, but barely noticed.

"But—I—that doesn't—" He spluttered.

'You forgot to factor in Barney's reduced weight, idiot. A fall from that height might not have hurt him that badly.'

Ted was glad they hadn't tested that theory.

"Oh my God!" Robin let out an uncharacteristic shriek, making both men wince. "I'm so sorry!"

Barney wasn't just trembling now, he was full-body shaking. There was a glitter of something that might have been tears in his eyes—Ted wasn't sure if he should act like he saw them or not.

Barney tried to make some sort of witty comeback, something to brush off the experience, but nothing came. What he _wanted_ to do was curl up and weep. But he wouldn't. Not in front of Robin.

"Ted, get rid of her." He begged, hoping his voice was too quiet for Robin to hear.

"Robin, excuse us—" Ted jumped to his feet and hurried to the bedroom. He was beginning to feel the pain from slamming into the ground.

Ted had never really seen Barney cry before, and that was the way Barney wanted to keep it. As Ted sat on the bed, Barney jumped off his hand and buried his face in the massive pillow.

Ted took a minute to catch his breath and get his heart to slow down. "You wanna talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about? My life is over." Barney lifted his head.

"It's not over, just…different."

"Who am I trying to fool? I can't do _anything_ by myself." Barney sniffled. "I want to act like everything's normal, but I can't!"

"Barney, listen: I know when something freaks you out, you try to act like it's no big deal. But this isn't one of those times, bro. You're going to have to deal with it."

"I've almost died twice in a few hours. How exactly do I deal with that?"

"Well, we're talking about it." Ted said gently. "That's something."

Barney thought this over for a few minutes. "I've changed my mind. I don't want to out to the bar tonight."

"No, see, that's a bad idea. The sooner you—"

"I know, the sooner I do it, the sooner it'll be over." Barney snapped. "And the sooner I can find someone else who's like me, and the sooner…I don't want to do it, Ted. Not any of it."

"Why?"

"I'm scared, alright?" He couldn't meet Ted's eyes. "I'm scared of falling off things, I'm scared of getting lost, I'm scared of all of it."

Ted nodded. "That's the first time you've really admitted it."

"Big deal. It doesn't help anything."

"I think it does. Look, I want you to come to the bar, just not tonight. We're gonna take things slow from now on, okay? We'll stay home for a while. If you want, I won't even have the others come over."

"No, I…I want to be around people I trust."

"You trust them?"

"Yeah. I really do." Barney felt a little better, realizing it was true. "None of them meant for bad things to happen. They're trying to figure it all out too."

"Even Marshall?"

"He's gonna beat himself up about it worse than I ever could."

'But I still don't want him touching me.' He added silently.

"Okay. You want to go back out and see Robin? I know she's worried."

"Okay."

0o0o0o0

After apologies were made, Robin told them her news.

"The station wants me to have you on for an interview." Her tone was much more reserved. "Would you?"

"Um, I guess so." Barney said. "Not tonight, though."

"Oh, no, no. A few days, maybe." Robin said quickly. "Whenever you're ready."

"I'd like to get a new suit made first." Barney plucked at his jacket. "This is okay, but it doesn't fit right."

"I think Marshall took that off a 'My Littlest Friend' doll." Robin eyed it.

"How do you know that?"

"Lily takes me with her when she gets new toys for the class. There are some pretty wicked things the kids are into these days."

Barney eyed The Transformazoid Tower. "I know."

"Cool. Is that the remote controlled version?"

"I don't know. I haven't looked at it closely." Ted lied. It was not only remote controlled, but shot super-radiation missile darts, and could walk on a level surface. "We can test it out."

"I have an idea…" She smiled wickedly at Barney.

0o0o0o0

"Okay, this is awesome. But I wouldn't want to live in it." Barney shifted uncomfortably in the plastic 'driver' seat. The controls didn't really work, but they looked neat.

"I'm gonna try to make it walk. Get ready." Ted began pushing levers on his remote.

The T-Rex took a few ungainly steps forward. It's microchip let out a mild roar.

Barney laughed. "Ted! Try shooting something."

A foam dart flew out and hit Robin in the shin. "Hey!"

"Oh, that is too cool." Barney spun a few dials. He knew it didn't _really_ do anything, but he couldn't resist.

Ted made the dinosaur walk around the apartment a few times before Barney climbed out of the head control room and exited through the tail.

"That was Legendary!" He cupped his hands around his mouth. "We've gotta show Marshall and Lily!"

Robin rolled her eyes, but was smiling. "Boys and their toys."

"Come off it Scherbatsky, I bet you had this kinda stuff when you were little." Barney pointed out as Ted lifted him.

"Yeah, but I don't have it anymore, unlike you, Mr. Stormtrooper owner."

Barney shrugged. "Star Wars nerds have to get laid too."

0o0o0o0

**A/N You can thank Berserker Nightwitch for this speed of this chapter. Well, that and a slow day at work before the holidays. Take note people: I DO accept bribes. ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Nine

0o0o0o0

"…So they agreed to give you as many paid sick days as you need until they can accommodate you at the office. Lawyered!" Marshall grinned.

"Great. That place would fall apart without me." Barney replied.

The five friends were sitting at Ted's dinner table, enjoying a take-out meal. The scale-appropriate dining set Marshall had bought fit nicely on the table. Barney was working on the small piece of burger Ted had cut.

Lily watched him for a few minutes. "I can't get over it."

"What?"

"You're adorable like this."

"The Barnacle is many things, Lil. Adorable is not one of them."

"Oh, sure you are."

"Fine, we're gonna have to do this the hard way. Gee, from this angle I can see right down your top. That's the best thing about being small; all the boobs are enormous." Barney leered.

"Okay, maybe 'adorable' isn't the right word." Lily conceded amid the laughter of her friends. "But I'm not the only one who thinks so, right Robin?"

"You're barking up the wrong tree." Robin smiled. "I don't care if he gets turned into a kitten; he's still Barney, as unadorable as can be."

"Vindication!" Barney held up a tiny fist, which Robin lightly bumped.

Ted shook his head. "And I get to live with him. Lucky me."

0o0o0o0

"Okay, this is kinda cute." Robin admitted, trying to hide a smile.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? I'm not cute!" Barney protested. He was wearing pajamas two sizes too big; they were the only ones Marshall had found. What was cute about that?

"You look like a little kid." Robin teased.

"I do not." Barney restrained himself from going into a pout, but just barely. "You're not girling out on me, are you Scherbatsky?"

"Never." She promised.

"I am. Cuuuute!" Lily cooed. She laid a hand in front of him.

"Fine." Barney sighed and stepped onto her palm. "You're such a _girl_."

Marshall tried not to feel uncomfortable as his wife fawned over Barney. "We should probably get going sweetie. It's late, and you have class tomorrow."

"Oh, fine." Lily set Barney down in Robin's outstretched hand. "We'll come by tomorrow night."

"Sure. Night guys." Marshall ushered her out before she could get a final coo in.

Robin felt a little weird. This was the first time she'd held Barney since his second near death experience. "So…"

"Yeah." Barney swallowed a lump. Robin was touching him…practically engulfing him. Even enormous, her face was still beautiful.

"Are you spending the night or what?" Ted walked back in to the living room, now in his sweats.

"Um…no. I was just waiting for you to get changed." Robin lowered Barney to the coffee table. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Cool. See you then." Ted saw her out. "You ready to sleep?"

"I guess so." Barney frowned at the gigantic bed. Sadly, it would have been fine if he was still six inches tall. "I'm glad they left. It's bad enough my clothes aren't to scale—if Lily saw me sleeping in that, she'd have a cutegasm."

"True." Ted picked up the bed in one hand and Barney in the other. "We'll get a smaller one when your apartment is done."

Barney felt a little weird about sleeping in Ted's room. The doll bed was on the nightstand occupying the space formerly held by Ted's alarm clock. Close enough so Ted could hear him yell, in other words.

He climbed into the bed, grumbling "This is bad enough without Lily making me feel like a little kid. I'm still me, just miniature."

"Believe me, the rest of us know." Ted flopped into bed. "She'll get over it."

"I hope so." Barney rolled over as Ted shut off the bedside light. " 'Night bro."

"Night." Ted echoed.

Ted lay in bed for what seemed like hours, unable to fall asleep. He could hear Barney breathing softly if he listened hard enough; he was glad, his friend could use the rest. He'd had an insanely frightening day.

His thoughts wandered as time crawled by.

'Tomorrow I've gotta get the foundation completed…see about ordering some fabric and stuffing so I can make him furniture…get some of the fantasy books they talked about on the news…'

A groan interrupted his thoughts. "Barney?"

There was no response. Worried, Ted turned on the light.

Barney was sitting up in bed, hands pressed hard to his stomach, face pale with pain. Ted's heart sped up; he'd seen this before.

"No, no, no…" He chanted urgently, as if that could ward off what was happening.

Barney whimpered. "It _hurts_."

It looked like agony. Barney clenched his teeth, trying not to scream as he shrank. It wasn't much to Ted, maybe half an inch. But to Barney, it was like losing a foot in height. The pajamas that had merely hung on him moments ago were engulfing him.

Ted's heart jack-hammered, and he made calculations. 'Two and a half inches, give or take a hair. He's not even 1/30th scale now! The news said this wasn't happening, the smallest person was 1/24th scale…'

A memory echoed in his brain. 'If people shrunk to nothing overnight, no one would know.'

"Ted…What's happening to me?" Barney's voice was shaking along with the rest of him.

"Take it easy." Ted swallowed, trying to coax moisture back into his mouth. "The…the worst part is over."

Oh, but that felt like a lie.

"I'm gonna be sick." Barney slipped as he tried to get out of the bed. Ted reached out, snatching him before he could strike the wood.

He was shaking violently. Ted could feel his sides hitch as he tried to catch his breath.

"Barney, you've gotta breath for me. Alright?"

"Trying." Terror spasmed across his face. "No!"

Ted could _feel_ him shrink this time. There was no holding back the scream. The clothes began to fall away. Barney curled up inside the shirt, small enough to slip out of the neck hole if he tried, somewhere around an inch and a half high.

He was sobbing, tiny body wracked with pain. "Ted…help me!"

Ted tried to think. Tried to say some word of comfort. His mind was blank, aside from horror. His voice stuck in his throat.

'No, no, I've gotta do something, I've gotta save him!' He was frozen. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't think.

And Barney just shook, weeping. "Please…Ted…help me."

Ted felt the form in his palm grow lighter. And still, he couldn't move. He screamed, but the sound couldn't push past his frozen lips.

"Ted!" Barney wailed, his voice getting higher, softer, weaker. "Pleeeeeease…"

Ted lost sight of him as the shirt swallowed him up. There was a soft POP as air rushed in to the space formerly occupied by his body.

Nothing.

Ted could finally scream.

0o0o0o0

His eyes flew open in the darkness. His hands were clenched, nails biting in to his palms. He scrabbled for the lamp, unable to form a coherent.

'I've gotta save him!'

The light clicked on, revealing Barney sleeping in his bed.

Ted raked in a shuddery gasp. 'What…what the hell?'

A nightmare. It seemed he had fallen asleep after all.

Salty sweat rolled into the corners of his eyes, making them water and sting. He forced himself to unclench his hands. It'd been so _real_.

He wouldn't tell anyone. He _couldn't_ tell anyone. Not if there was the slightest chance it'd get back to Barney.

He took a long, lingering look at his friend, and flopped backwards into the bed. There would be no more rest that night.

0o0o0o0

Barney slept peacefully, untroubled by dreams.

0o0o0o0

**A/N If you haven't already, head over to deviantart dot com and check out the fanart drawn by the extremely Legendary Berserker Nightwitch (under the name yoru-magi). She's drawn awesome pics of Barney getting his doll suit and his first encounter with Marshall. **

**As far as this chapter…heh heh. Scared you, didn't I? Merry Christmas!**


	10. Chapter 10

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Ten

0o0o0o0

"When are you gonna call James and your mom?"

Barney acted like he didn't hear and continued to nibble on the scrap of toast in his hands.

"You've gotta call them. Your brother will be pissed if you don't tell him." Ted said.

"I don't want to tell them. My mom will freak out, and James…" He shook his head. "James will want to take care of me. He's got a kid; he's already busy taking care of something tiny and helpless."

There was bitterness in these words that Ted was getting accustomed to. "If you don't call them, I will. What if it was James? You'd want to know."

"James is too awesome for this to happen to him." Barney mumbled.

"Right. If you'd only been as awesome as your big brother you'd still be normal." Ted rolled his eyes. "You're calling them."

"Fine. But after that, I get to call my tailor and make an appointment to get more suits made." Barney was wearing a plain tee-shirt and track pants. It was the last thing Marshall had found in his size. "I can't be seen in this stuff."

"Deal."

0o0o0o0

"Okay. Yes. Yes. Mom—Yes! Love you too. Bye." Barney stamped the END button on his phone. "She's worried, but agrees that staying with you is a good idea."

"I'm glad." Ted nodded. "What about James?"

"Working on it." Barney strained to press the appropriate buttons.

Ted's hand wavered in the air above him. "Do you want me to—"

"I've got it!" Barney growled. He took a few more seconds to finish dialing.

"Bro! What's up?" James's voice rang out cheerfully. "Are you still coming over next week? Your nephew misses you, you know."

"Uh…yeah. About that." Barney swallowed hard. "There's…a little problem. I just called mom and told her."

"Told her what? Are you alright?"

"Well…sort of. I'm not hurt or anything."

"Then what's the matter?"

"It's embarrassing."

"What? Do you have a date with an over-thirty year old?" James joked.

"It's…" Barney fumbled for words. How the hell did you tell someone that you'd shrunk? "Have you seen the news?"

"Have I seen what on the news? That…Lilliputian thing?" James sounded scared. "Barney, are you-?"

"Um…yeah. I've got that."

"Oh, my God." James gasped. "Bro—where are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm with Ted. Everything's cool. I'm…I'm gonna stay with him for a while."

"Barney, why didn't you call me sooner?" James pressed. "I can be there in two hours, and-"

"James, its fine. I'm okay, really. You don't need to come."

"Bro, if it was me, would you stay away?"

Barney remained silent.

"Yeah. Look, I'll come over around seven tonight, okay?"

"Um…sure. I guess that's cool."

"Alright. Just…be careful, okay? I don't want to get there and find out you've been squished by a pissed off woman."

Barney let out a small laugh. "No problem. I'll see you then."

"Cool…_little_ brother." He could hear the grin in James's voice. "Dare I ask how small?"

"Three inches, or so."

"…Damn."

"Yeah."

"Right. I'll see you tonight."

The call disconnected. "He's coming over tonight."

"That's cool. It's the weekend; he can stay over a few days." Ted said.

Barney wanted to argue that it would be embarrassing and pointless, but he couldn't. Seeing James always cheered him up; his big brother was one of his favorite people on the planet, supermodels and bimbos included. Seeing James sounded awesome.

"Well, aside from working on your apartment, my day is totally free. Is there anything you want to do?"

"Can't I help?"

"Barney, you don't know how to use tools." Ted reminded him gently. "And even if you did, you're too small to work them."

Barney looked atypically depressed at this. "Oh. Yeah."

"Look, I can put something on TV. Anything you want. Not porn!" Ted added the last part quickly.

Barney shook his head. "I'm not used to have weekdays free. I can't go to the bar, and…well, I can't really go anywhere."

Ted was at a loss. "Well…we could go for a walk. Maybe in central park; it'd be quiet this time of day."

"I don't want to hang around in your pocket all day."

"Who said anything about pockets?" Ted said a little mischievously.

"I thought we were gonna take it slow. I'm not ready to deal with people." Barney felt rotten about saying this. He loved to be the center of attention, usually. It felt wrong, being scared of that.

"Look, I know a trail that's underused. We can just hang out for an hour or two." Ted tried. "If you don't want to, I won't make you."

"It…it sounds okay. Better than watching reruns of soap operas, anyway." Barney conceded.

Ted grinned. "It's gonna be legendary."

0o0o0o0

Barney wasn't really the outdoorsy type; generally, he only went to Central Park to pick up chicks. But he had to admit, this was a nice spot. It was a secluded alcove with short grass and several trees shading it from the main path. You'd miss it if you didn't already know where it was.

He pushed a few blades of grass aside. They were about chest high to him. "Ted, how did you find this spot?"

"I got lost my first time in the park." Ted admitted sheepishly. "I was here for an hour before Marshall found me."

He removed a large fuzzy catapiller from Barney's path through the grass, hoping the tiny man hadn't seen it. Barney wasn't a bug-phobe, but after the cockroach incident yesterday, Ted was taking no chances.

Barney found a large rock and quickly scrambled to the top. "At least I can still work out. I'd hate to be tiny _and_ out of shape."

Ted murmured an agreement and set his back againt a tree. He quietly watched Barney explore the alcove. The blond seemed to be enjoying himself.

A yellow butterfly fluttered past Barney, alighting on a flower near him. He watched it, eyes wide. "Ted, look!"

"I see it." Ted tensed slightly, ready to bat the creature away from his friend if he had to.

Barney edged closer to it. "It's the size of a kite! This is awesome."

"Really?"

Gingerly, Barney reached out and stroked the edge of it's wing. The butterfly flapped the paper-thin appendages, causing a dusty powder to shake off. It flexed slowly, then took off, stirring the air. Barney laughed as the breeze hit him, watching the butterfly soar into the sky.

"That was amazing! Ted, did you see that? It let me touch it!"

"Yep. Pretty cool." Ted smiled. The childlike glee on Barney's face _was_ actually cute. It was a good thing Lily wasn't there; she'd have been unable to stand it.

'Lily…I have to get her to stop seeing Barney as an adorable little doll.' The smile dropped off Ted's face as Barney continued to explore. Maybe Marshall and Robin could help…

Well. That was the future. Now, all he had to do was let Barney enjoy himself.

0o0o0o0

**A/N The image of Barney and the butterfly just popped into my head. Everything else kinda evolved around that.**


	11. Chapter 11

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Eleven

0o0o0o0

"We made a lot of progress today." Ted inspected the apartment. "The frame's done, and I've got a lot of the wiring in place. The rest should be easy."

"Except for furnishings." Barney replied. "Everything made in my scale is plastic."

"Well, I can make some of that stuff."

Barney wandered the interior of the unfinished apartment. "It's gonna be good, Ted. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

There was a knock at the door. "Guys?"

"Come in, Marshall."

Barney tried not to tense up as the gigantic man entered the room. 'You're not scared of Marshall. It's…it's _Marshall_! He's, like, the gentlest guy you know.

He's not going to hurt you.'

He'd told Marshall all was forgiven. He'd pretended that he was fine, and the only things needed to buy him off were material goods and a shitty suit. But it wasn't fine, and his peace of mind couldn't be bought.

He just saw that massive hand coming at him, squeezing him until he couldn't breathe.

'He wouldn't do that. He hasn't even tried to touch you since yesterday.'

Marshall actually seemed skittish around the smaller man. He gave Barney an awkward wave, and spoke with forced joviality.

"So, the apartment is coming along nicely."

"Yeah. Ted got a lot done."

"Cool. I think Lily got some stuff for you to put in it. She'll be up in a few minutes." He hurried into the kitchen after Ted, leaving Barney alone on the coffee table.

"Great." Barney muttered under his breath.

The redhead entered, a large Toys R Us shopping bag in hand. "Hi!"

"Hey Lil. What's up?"

"I found the coolest stuff at the mall today." She was beaming.

Barney forced a smile. 'She's just trying to help.'

"I got you some more clothes." She pulled out a large box displaying childish garments, with a picture of a doll named 'Tommy' on the box. They were going to be a bit too big for him; Barney suspected Lily already knew this. Why was it the women around here found that cute?

"I got measured for new suits today, I don't really need—" He began.

"And some furniture ." She cut him off, brandishing what looked like a pink living room set. A _plastic_ pink living room set.

"Actually, Ted's gonna make some furniture ." He said firmly. "_Real _furniture."

"Well, sure, eventually. But in the meantime, there's this."

"Lily, I don't need all this stuff. You guys should save your money."

"You won't say that when you see this." She winked and set down a box the size of a train car.

" 'The My Littlest Friend Kozy Home.' " It was a gigantic two story plastic doll house resembling a neon whorehouse. Several dolls about his size were posed cavorting over the plastic barbeque, sitting in the plastic kiddy pool, and playing Frisbee with a disk the size of a penny on the plastic lawn.

Barney felt ill.

"It'll be a while before the apartment get's done, so now you'll have a place to stay. And it's _so_ cute!"

It was then he lost his temper.

"Lily, I'm not staying in that thing!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's a toy!"

"So? It's your size."

"You're not listening! I don't care if it's my size, it's still a toy. I'm a grown man, and I have some dignity."

Lily looked confused rather than upset by his outburst. "But…What's the difference between this and what Ted's making?"

"Ted's making me a real apartment just in miniature, not some creepy plastic dollhouse!" Barney growled.

"It's not creepy, it's adorable." Lily's tone became stern. "You should be happy; I had to wrestle this away from my class. They didn't want to lose it."

"You brought me something intended for KINDERGARTNERS?"

"Oh, just look at it; you'll change your mind." She cracked open the dollhouse, scooped Barney up, and placed him in the second story bedroom.

Rage was boiling in him. "Get me out of this damn thing!"

She didn't look hurt or even confused. She looked like…like…

Oh God. That was the look she gave tantrummy kindergartners.

"Just try it. You'll like it." She said patiently.

"You want me to look around? Fine!" He snarled and stalked towards the hard plastic bed. It was light, shoddy material. He grabbed it and flung it out of the open wall.

"Hey, don't!"

He kicked over a nightstand. It crunched satisfyingly under his foot. "Don't what? Act like an actual person instead of a doll?"

He rampaged about the room for a few more seconds before Lily snatched him.

"Barney, what the _hell_?"

"I'm sick of you acting like I'm a doll!" He roared. "You can't just stick me in some toy and pretend I belong there, Lily!"

Marshall and Ted were watching the scene, eyes wide. Barney didn't care.

"You were actually treating me like a person for a while; what the hell happened?"

"You almost died, that's what happened!" Lily cried out.

They were both quiet for a moment.

"You…almost died…because of me." She spoke slowly, trying not to sob. "I treated you like normal and you almost died. If I watched you like Ted asked…or made you use the stupid teacup instead of that giant mug…that wouldn't have happened."

Barney said nothing.

"And…and then, Ted told us you fell off the couch. I…I can't even imagine what…what we'd do if something _did_ happen to you. I guess I thought…that if I thought of you as a doll…I wouldn't be as scared of that." She was crying. "Toys don't die."

"Lily…"

She set him on the coffe table, far away from the dollhouse. She placed it, and the other baxes, back into the bag.

"I know you hate being treated like this. But I'm not sure I can stand to act like you're still you…because, if you're you, you could…could…"

Marshall couldn't take this; He hurried over to his wife and wrapped her in a hug. She wept into his chest.

Barney looked to Ted for help. He had no idea what to say.

"Lily...We're all scared for Barney. But he's still him. Treating him differently won't make you feel any better."

Lily looked up at Ted. "Easy for you to say; you didn't almost _kill_ him."

"Look, Lily…pretending things are okay won't make it any easier. I already tried that, and it doesn't work." Barney tried to find the words that would make her stop crying. "Please, just act like I'm a human being. I have exactly five people in the world right now who I can talk to, and I don't want to lose one of them."

Lily managed a nod. "I…I can try."

"Good."

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He gave her a reassuring smile and lied. "It's okay, Lily. _I'm_ okay."

Lily looked at Ted. "I know."

0o0o0o0

**A/N This was a tough one to write. It's not an easy idea to translate from my head onto the page…but I think I got it.**

**BTW, is there something wrong with the website? I've had a little trouble with the editing page, and some of my reviews have gone screwy. No biggie, just wondering.**


	12. Chapter 12

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Twelve

0o0o0o0

"This is amazing." James marveled at his tiny brother. "I can't believe you didn't call me sooner."

"I was a little preoccupied." Barney shrugged.

The five full sized friends were sitting around Ted's table, buffeted by beers and Chinese food. Barney was sitting on an empty, upturned container of fried rice. He felt a little odd addressing his brother from this angle; he'd been taller than James since ninth grade.

"Preoccupied with what?"

Barney sighed. There would be no getting around this. "It's been a little hectic. Some things happened. I'll just start at the tub…"

James listened with rapt attention as Barney described the last two days, leaving out the incidents with Marshall and Lily. It wasn't pertinent, he decided.

"Wait, wait. You almost DIED and you didn't call me?" James looked hurt.

"I didn't call mom either." Barney pointed out.

"Yeah, and I'm sure we'll be hearing about that for the rest of our lives."

"No, because I'm never going to tell her. She'd freak out."

James took a swig of beer. "This is unbelievable."

"Barney was pretty freaked out yesterday." Ted said, feeling a tad awkward. "He wasn't exactly thinking straight."

James shot him a look. "I get that, Ted. Do you all think I could get a few minutes alone with my brother?"

Lily and Marshall all but jumped up, eager to please. Ted nodded reluctantly and followed his friends to the fire escape.

Robin lingered for a few moments. "James…I know what it sounds like. But you have to know we all-"

"Thanks Robin." James cut her off.

She gave Barney a shrug and left them.

"What was that about?" Barney asked, confused.

James shook his head. "You don't get it. I should have known; if you did, you would have called me sooner."

"What?"

"Barney, those people almost got you killed. Why do you think I'm angry?"

"Look, both times were accidents. No one meant—"

"I don't care what they meant to do, that's what happened." James said fiercely.

Barney hopped off the paper container. "They've done good stuff, too. Marshall bought me clothes, Ted's building me an apartment…hell, he's letting me live here."

"No, he's not. You're coming home with me."

"I knew you were gonna say that." Barney grumbled. "James, you have a kid. You have a husband! You're life is busy enough."

"I don't care. You're not safe here." James argued.

"I'm safe! Ted's been watching me like a hawk."

James shook his head. "Ted. Just how long does he see you staying here?"

"I…I don't know. You know what they're saying on the news about a cure."

"Yeah, it's possible. But it could be years before they have something, if ever. Are you going to stay here for the rest of your life?"

"I didn't think that far ahead."

"Ted's looking for a wife. How long is it gonna be before some pretty girl turns his head, and he doesn't have time to for you?"

Barney tried to find an argument. "He's…he said he'd be with me."

"Barney, I know he's your best friend." James said quietly. "But I'm your brother. I'm always going to be there for you. Let me be the one who helps you now."

"I…I can't leave New York. My job is here."

"How are you going to work like this?" James demanded.

"I'm on sick leave until they can accommodate me." Barney said weakly. "Marshall works there too. I can carpool with him."

"You're going to sit in your office, meet with clients, and play your corporate games, when you're three inches tall?"

"Three and one twenty-fourth." Barney muttered. "My apartment is here too."

"You won't even be living in your apartment!"

"But it…it's my apartment!"

James groaned. "Barney, I don't want to force you."

"What are you saying?"

"If I have to, I'll make you come with me." James said softly. "I couldn't live with myself if I left you here and you got hurt."

Barney felt panic flutter in his chest. "James…I want to stay here as long as I can."

"You might be like this forever."

"I've gotta try to find some way to live like this. Especially if it's forever."

Ted tried not to listen in to the argument, but James' raised voice broke through. He climbed back into the apartment. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, we're just discussing the future." James said. "How long will it take you to finish Barney's apartment?"

"A few more days. Why?"

"Because it's coming with us when we go."

"Whoa, whoa. We?"

"I'm taking Barney home."

Robin, Marshall and Lily eased back inside the room, trying to be invisible.

"This is Barney's home." Ted said firmly. "We've already talked about it. He's going to stay with me."

"That's nice Ted, but he's my brother." James got up from the table and walked over to Ted. "I'm the one who should be watching him."

"He wants to stay here." Ted growled.

"I know what he wants. What he needs is to be with family." James squared his shoulders.

"Guys, it's not that big of a deal!" Barney cried out. Neither man looked over.

"What are you going to do? Pick him up and take him, kicking and screaming?"

"If I have to." James's voice was low. His eyes glittered. "You almost got him killed twice, Mosby. I'd be crazy to leave him with you."

"I'm not going to let you take him if he doesn't want to go." Ted balled a fist.

The beer had clearly gone to both men's heads. Marshall moved in-between them as they got ready to swing.

"Guys! This isn't helping anything." He shoved them apart.

"Yeah, you've all helped him so much!" James snarled.

"He wants to stay here!" Ted struggled fiercely against his friend. "You change his mind, he can go."

James shot a look at his brother. "Bro. Please."

Barney's throat clenched. He managed to shake his head.

James face fell.

"If you want to help, that's great. But he's staying here." Ted pushed Marshall's arm away.

Wordlessly, James snatched his coat and briefcase. He stalked towards the door.

"James, wait!" Barney rushed to the edge of the table.

James gave him a pained look. His voice was tight. "The second you want me to come get you, call me. The second, Barney."

"James, please, we can talk about this." Barney wasn't above begging.

James looked back at the group. "If anything happens to him because of you…"

Unable to finish, he just shook his head and left. He was careful not to slam the door.

Barney made a few small noises of disbelief. "James…"

"Barney…I'm sorry." Robin was the first to speak.

Barney was still facing the door. His shoulders jumped, as if he was trying to hold in a sob. "Can everyone please go away?"

The only avenue of escape was the fire escape. Marshall and Lily took it. Ted lingered for a few moments, but was shoved away by Robin.

'I'll watch him.' She mouthed. He nodded and vanished into the gloom.

Robin sat at Ted's desk. Barney either didn't know or didn't care that she hadn't left. He sat with his back to the fast-food container, knees drawn up, head down.

Robin wanted to go to him, stroke his back, whisper that James would calm down, and it would all be okay. She would do that. But she'd let him do what he needed first.

It would give her time to dry her own eyes.

0o0o0o0

**A/N Yet another slow day at work. No time for a detailed note, my boyfriend is pestering me. :/ He doesn't read fic. :p**


	13. Chapter 13

Interesting Times by GirlX2

Chapter Thirteen

0o0o0o0

The next two weeks passed very slowly for Ted. He guessed they were no quicker for Barney; James called him regularly one night a week, but the conversations were strained.

The news continued to interview top scientists and physicists, but little new information came to light. A cure was technically viable, but it would be a year at the earliest before anything was certain, they were saying. Some physicists on the east coast were working with a doctor who claimed to understand the gas that had caused the syndrome.

A few deaths were reported; seemingly the result of Lilliputians having accidents the first few days. These reports didn't help Ted's nightmares.

In the meantime, he finished the apartment. It had electricity, lights, furniture in Barney's size, and could be hooked to a water source. Barney said he liked it, but spent little time inside. Mostly, he hung around with Ted while the architect tried to drum up clients, offering business advice.

That Friday night, Marshall had gotten off work early and was watching TV with the two. "Ted, have you ever thought about working for GNB?"

"Why?" Ted glanced up from his sketchpad.

"Well, they're looking for someone to design stuff for Barney at the office. And there's talk about investing in an apartment complex for Lilliputians. They need an architect for both projects."

"Why build an apartment for Lilliputians?" Ted asked. "By now they've all made arrangements.

"It's a tax dodge. Nobody has to live there; it just has to look like they could." Barney shrugged. "We do it all the time with homeless shelters."

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Marshall said. "Do you want me to give them your info?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"All three of us working at GNB. That'd be legen, wait for it, dary!" Barney seemed cheerful for the first time in weeks. "We've gotta celebrate. Tonight: we go to MacLarens!"

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Ted asked.

"Yeah. I think I am." Barney nodded. "I'm dying for a good scotch, and I know the girls have missed me. Time to get back on the horse."

Ted and Marshall traded grins.

"Alright. I'll call Robin and Lily, you guys order the hot wings." Marshall whipped out his cell phone.

Barney tugged at his tie. "Ted, I bet that I can get you laid tonight."

"Um, how?" Ted asked skeptically.

"Well, aside from being generally awesome, every girl in that place will be dying to talk to a Lilliputian. I'm the perfect blend of sexy and nonthreatening. Then we hit 'em with the old 'Haaave you met Ted?', and bang. You're banging." Barney smirked. "Girls dig the whole responsibility thing. I'm gonna be better than a dog and a baby combined."

"You're okay with me bringing a girl home?"

"Hell yes. A one night stand is just what Dr. Stinson ordered; it'll help you get some decent sleep."

"Heh, yeah." Ted faked a laugh. Barney didn't know the real reason for his sleepless nights.

"And suit up!"

"Nope."

0o0o0o0

"You sure that's enough scotch?" Robin kidded gently.

Barney's eyes were huge. "I've had dreams like this."

Lacking glassware in his size, the bar had served him in the smallest vessel they had; a thimble-sized jigger. It was at least a gallon to Barney.

He held the scotch up in a toast. "To working with my best bros!"

The four full-sized friends clinked glasses gently above his head.

It was a quiet night so far; only a few patrons were in the bar and they'd all stayed away from the gang's usual booth. Barney was eyeing the door with interest, waiting for the first hot girl of the night. It felt good to be back.

"I don't have the job yet." Ted reminded him.

"Please. One word from me and you're in." Barney scoffed. "No one else even has a sample to show them. You've got my whole apartment!"

"Yeah, and I um, might have already told them you were interested." Marshall colored with embarrassment, but didn't stop smiling.

"You're getting devious. I like it." Barney said.

"Ooh, baby." Lily batted her eyelashes theatrically. "You're bad."

While they all chatted about Marshall's new found bad boy persona the bar steadily filled. It was packed, even for a Friday night.

"Um, Ted, do you mind if we head upstairs for a little while?" Marshall grinned conspiratorially. "Lily needs to _wash up_."

"Just don't do it in my bed, that's all I ask." Ted rolled his eyes as the couple sped off.

"Whoa, perfect ten dead ahead." Barney zeroed in on a tall blond. "Ted, she's checking us out. When she comes over, let me do all the talking."

"Yeah, no. Last time we did that you told the girl we were rocket scientists getting ready for a secret mission to mars."

"It worked, didn't it?"

"You guys seduce, I'm gonna get some more beer." Robin headed for a vacant barstool.

The blond Barney was tracking came over. "Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but…um…"

Barney adopted what the Ted knew to be his Vulnerable Look. "No, it's okay. You haven't seen someone like me up close and were curious."

"I actually wanted your salt." She indicated her margarita glass, looking like she might die from embarrassment.

"Oh." Barney's face fell.

"I'm sorry; I didn't think you'd want to talk to some random woman." She said quickly.

"That's fine." Ted handed her the salt. "I'm Ted, and he's Barney."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Ivy."

"Would you like a seat? I know it's getting crowded." Barney asked, winking at Ted.

"Uh, thanks." She smiled at him. "That's nice."

"No problem. It's just nice to have someone pretty to look at. I've been staring at Ted's ugly mug for two weeks now!"

"Oh, you're living together."

"Yeah. It's a funny story, really…"

As Barney wove a tale for the blond girl Ted was aware of more and more girls around the table. At least half a dozen were hanging around by the end of the story.

"…So after saving my life, he said 'You're staying with me, and that's final!'" Barney finished, sipping his scotch. A tiny chorus of 'Awws' went up from the women.

"That's soooo sweet." A redhead brushed Ted's arm. "You're so nice to look after your friend like that."

"Yeah. I wish my ex boyfriend was like that." Another blond chimed in, smiling seductively.

Ivy gave him a genuine smile. "It_is_ cool. Not every guy would do that."

"He's my bro. He'd do the same for me."

Barney grinned at Ted. "I'm feeling a little tired. Maybe Robin can take me home?"

"I'll do it!" At least three girls chimed in.

The grin slid off Barney's face. This wasn't how the plan was supposed to go. "Uh, that's nice ladies, but I'm pretty beat, and Ted is-"

"No, please, we'll do it!"

Barney felt flutters of panic as the three debated over who would get to carry him upstairs. 'Not good.'

"He's done for the night." A slender hand reached through the mob and lifted him out. Robin tried to edge backwards through the crowd. She was using both hands to shield Barney, so was making little headway. It didn't help that the trio of women were trying to keep him there.

"Shit. Barney, what did you say to these lunatics?" She grunted, hip-checking the redhead.

"Just the truth…with an asterisk or two."

"Great." Robin tried to elbow someone aside. "Okay, this isn't working, and Ted's already distracting as many as he can."

"So what do we do?"

"I have an idea, but I swear, if you throw this back in my face I'll end your life, Stinson."

The crowed of women was getting more and more insistent that Barney stay. "Whatever gets me out of here."

To Barney's surprise, Robin slid him down the front of her shirt, firmly into the middle of her bra.

"I've died and gone to heaven." He croaked.

"You _will_ did if I feel you fondling anything." Robin shoved people out of the way and escaped the bar.

She extricated him as she hurried upstairs. "I hope you realize those girls almost tore you apart because of your stupid story."

Barney wobbled in her palm for a moment, and then collapsed into a sitting position, goofy smile plastered across his face.

"Worth it."

0o0o0o0

**A/N I wanted to leave Barney in a good mood for the new year...call me a softie!**

**Also, since Barney's looking at spending quite a while at this size, there will be a few time skips. As much as I'd like to, filling every single day with exciting events would leave me bereft of ideas fairly quickly. Happy new year!**


	14. Chapter 14

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Fourteen

0o0o0o0

It had been three weeks since Barney had woken up in Ted's tub, tiny. He was suiting up in his apartment, getting ready for his first day back at work.

'It'll be great. You know they're barely coping without you.' He tightened his tie. 'Nothing to worry about.'

Ted knocked on the roof, startling him.

"Enter." He managed not to stammer.

Ted slid the removable panel off. "You ready?"

"Of course." Barney stepped onto Ted's palm. 'As ready as I'll ever be.'

Ted gave him an encouraging smile, as if he could hear the tiny man's thoughts. "I'll be right there the whole day."

"I know. You better not mess up my office, Mosby. I spent years turning it into a pantheon of awesome." Barney scoffed.

'If he wants to play it cool, go with it.' Ted slid into the passenger seat. Marshall had offered to drive every day so he would have his hands free to deal with Barney.

At least, that's what he told them.

"Hey guys. I got coffee." Marshall handed Ted a large cardboard cup, and a plastic cap for Barney.

Barney sipped the drink and made a face. "Tastes like cherries."

"Uh…guess I didn't get all the chapstick off the lid." Marshall said sheepishly.

About a second went by before all three of them broke up laughing.

"Okay, terrible coffee aside, what's the day look like? I know the Peterson thing is going down today, and they'll want me there." Barney asked.

"Yeah, it's right after lunch. You and I are supposed to head to the conference room early, though." Marshall kept his voice even.

"Okay, so the three of us eat lunch, then head over."

"Um…they actually want to meet with Ted at the same time in your office." Marshall faltered. "Since you'll be busy at the meeting, they thought it'd be a good time to install some of the new stuff."

"Oh. That's…that's cool." Barney gave his best fake smile.

Ted felt him shiver. It was time for one of his famous telepathic conversations with Marshall.

'Dude, we talked about t this. I'm supposed to be the one who carries him.'

'I know, but what can I do?' Marshall shook his head. 'I'll just have to try not to freak him out.'

'You better.'

0o0o0o0

They ate lunch in relative silence. Every time Marshall moved to pick up something, Barney flinched. It wasn't made any easier by the fact that half the office had stopped by over the first half of the day to tell Barney they were happy to have him back.

"They just want to get a look at me." Barney grumbled as the last coworker left his office. "I'm the office freak."

"Do you care what any of them think?" Ted asked.

"Not even the littlest bit." Barney finished his scrap of a sandwich. "Okay. We should probably get going."

"Okay." Marshall swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He laid his palm flat in front of Barney, keeping it totally still.

Barney marched confidently onto his hand, hoping that would hide his shaking legs. "It's the Menendez room, right?"

"Yeah." Marshall lifted his hand slowly from the desk, keeping his movements smooth.

Ted watched them go, Marshall's steps small and slow. Nervously, he shuffled his papers, waiting for Barney's (well, his now) bosses to arrive.

Under his breath, he chanted his new mantra. "He'll be fine. He'll be fine. He'll be fine."

0o0o0o0

The meeting went slowly. Barney was seated in front of Marshall on a chair Ted had made, pretending to care about what was being said. Everyone else was pretending the same thing apparently; Barney caught more than a few people staring at him.

'It doesn't matter. You've said your piece, nobody laughed, you've just gotta ride this out until…'

Until Marshall carried him back upstairs.

The giant _had_ been gentle, Barney conceded. Marshall was too scared of hurting Barney to do anything even the least bit risky. It should have been enough to make him feel safe.

It should have been.

Barney was disgusted with himself. Marshall wasn't going to hurt him. He _knew_ this. So why wasn't it getting through?

"Barney? It's time to go."

The meeting had ended while he was pondering. "Oh. Right."

Marshall eased his hand down with the same maddening slowness as before. Barney felt even worse; Marshall was trying so hard to treat him gently.

He tried his hardest not to shake, shiver, or even twitch as he stepped on to the massive hand. It didn't quite work. Barney caught Marshall's split-second distraught expression.

'Okay, maybe some exposure therapy is in order.' He cleared his throat. "Hey Marshall, wanna go up to the roof for a while? I need some fresh air."

"Uh, sure." Marshall said, surprised. "That'd be fine."

He hurried up, eager to please. Barney felt another pang. Marshall was practically at his beck and call. Why didn't he feel better yet?

It was a warm day, and the fresh air was welcome to both men. Marshall placed Barney on a small table set up for smokers to congregate around. It had a filthy ashtray, and nothing else.

Marshall stood awkwardly, hands in his pockets. "So."

"Yeah." Plan averted, Barney sat on the edge of the table, legs dangling.

"Barney, what can I do to make this better?" Marshall voice was soft and pleading. "I want us to be friends again."

"We're still friends." Barney sighed. "And you're doing too much already. I…I don't know why I still feel like this. I know you're not gonna hurt me."

"You know it, you just don't feel it." Marshall said sadly. "Barney…I'm so sorry for what I did."

"I know. And I forgive you. "

Marshall shook his head, face to the wind. "I really want a cigarette."

"Me too. That's one of the really sucky things about this; no way can I smoke."

They sat quietly for a few minutes. The wind stirred under Barney's feet. 'Good thing it's not any windier, or I might get swept off the table.'

Something that wasn't the wind stirred under his feet. Barney scrambled backwards. "What the hell?"

"Hm?"

"I felt…" Barney trailed off , eyes growing wide.

It was monstrous. Several sets of eyes peered at him; Barney could see his pale face reflected in each of them. Massive jointed legs hoisted the bulbous body onto the table top, micrometers from him. Fangs stuck out of its mouth, dripping with neurotoxin. Hair-like filaments covered it's black-brown body.

Marshall saw a large, ugly spider.

Barney scrabbled backwards, unable to get to his feet. He was shaking too much for anything but an awkward, crab-like scuttle. His back bumped the ashtray, halting his escape. He wanted to scream, but his voice had gone along with his co-ordination.

A massive slab of flesh slammed onto the creature, crushing it. Barney heard a loud 'CRUNCH' and shuddered.

Marshall wiped the spider goo onto a concrete wall. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, fine." Barney got to his feet. "I…I don't like spiders."

"I know." Marshall laid the spider-free hand in front of him. "Let's get out of here."

Barney climbed on, shaking for a new reason. But these shakes would subside soon enough.

"I think we're good here." He braced a hand on Marshall's finger for support. He wasn't sure if his friend even heard him. It didn't matter. He understood.

0o0o0o0

**A/N This was another toughie, but not because of the concepts, which were relatively simple once I got rolling. I had to look at a LOT of pictures of spiders. I'm massively arachnophobic. The things I do to make it realistic…**


	15. Chapter 15

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Fifteen

0o0o0o0

Four months. Four impossible, improbable, indescribable months in this ridiculous state. And yet, a sense of normality had been found. Nights at the bar, more or less as usual (the less being his non-existent skirt-chasing). Days at work with Marshall and Ted. Downtime spent in his increasingly homey mini-apartment.

It was…okay. He wasn't scared of Marshall any more. Lily was treating him normally, most of the time. James called faithfully once a week; to make sure he was alright.

And yet…

He missed his real apartment. He missed playing Ted's wingman. He missed his _freedom_. Ted was still far too overprotective. And Robin…

Best not to linger on thoughts of Robin.

0o0o0o0

It had been a long day at work; Ted's latest proposal hadn't gone over well, and Barney's bosses were pestering him about the ever-annoying Peterson account. By the time Marshall dropped them off in front of Ted's place, both men were tired, hot, and in no mood to deal with any further shit.

"Stop moving." A cold prong of hard metal jabbed Ted's back. Ted froze, aside from curling his fingers over Barney.

"Easy. My wallet is in my back pocket."

"Stop talking and turn around."

Ted did so, slowly. A burly, light haired man scowled at him. A gun peeked out from under the man's jacket.

"Dude, take whatever you want." Ted said quietly. "I won't yell or anything."

"What I want is for you to follow me to my car." The scowl turned into a smirk.

"Ted, don't." Barney spoke up hesitantly. Whatever this guy wanted, it wasn't good.

"Stinson, I'd advise you to keep your remarks to yourself."

Ted felt Barney jerk in surprise.

"Now's not the time to ask 'how do I know your name' or any of that shit." The man pressed the gun to Ted's side. "If I shoot you, what exactly do you think will happen to your little friend?"

Ted swallowed dryly. "Okay. I'll come to your car."

The man circled him and prodded him with the gun, forcing Ted forward. "Play it cool Mosby, or this'll get messy."

Ted walked as slowly as he dared, hoping someone, anyone on the street would see. A dirty gray sedan came into view. To his surprise, Ted felt keys pressed into his free hand.

"Driver's side, Mosby."

"I can't drive; I've got to hold—"

Another savage jab. "Driver's side!"

"Okay, okay." Ted opened the door awkwardly as the man hurried to the passenger seat, gun still trained on him.

"Now, hand over your friend."

"No."

"I might not be able to kill you with one shot, Mosby. But what would that shot do to Stinson?"

The gun shifted, and Barney was staring into the abyss. The world shook under his feet as Ted shivered.

"Ted..." He couldn't control the shaking in his legs, or in his voice.

Slowly, Ted extended his arm. "If you hurt him, I'll kill you."

The man laughed and grabbed something from under his seat. "No less than I expected."

With one swift motion, he swept Barney into a large glass jar. He settled the jar firmly between his legs, and screwed the lid on. A single air hole was poked in the lid.

"Drive towards the river." The man slid his thumb over the hole. "If you do anything stupid and try to attract a cop, I won't let your little friend have any fresh air."

Barney knew his air supply couldn't run out that quickly, but he felt panicked gasps welling up. He braced a hand on the glass and tugged his tie loose.

"And if you try to crash, consider this: he'll be slashed to ribbons if the glass breaks." The man's eyes glittered darkly.

"Okay. Just don't hurt him." Ted eyed the glass desperately. Barney's face was already turning red. "He can't breathe!"

"Oh, he's got awhile before he runs out of air. He'll pass out first." The man said casually. "Dive. The fucking. Car."

Ted pulled into the street.

"Ted, don't listen to him!" Barney beat his fists on the glass. Maddeningly, it failed to shatter.

"Cut that out." The man jarred the glass violently. Barney lost his footing and smacked into the side of the jar, head first. He let out a cry of pain. Black stars blazed in his eyes.

And the air was getting less and less breathable.

"He can't breathe! I don't care what you do to me; just let him have some air."

"If it'll shut you up, fine." The man moved his thumb. Barney gasped gratefully as fresh air flowed into the jar. "Now, if I hear another peep outta either of you, this jar goes out the window."

Ted and Barney shared a quiet look of desperation.

There was nothing else to do.

0o0o0o0

Ted was thoroughly lost. He'd tried to keep track of the twists and turns the man ordered, but lost count. All he knew was the neighborhood was one he'd never seen before.

It looked deserted.

"Stop here. Now, here's how it's gonna go:" The man pointed to a large, ugly box of a building. "You go in front of me. Don't scream, just go in the door, and then into the first apartment on the left."

"Not without Barney."

"I'll be right behind you, Mosby. I just wanted you clear on the plan, so you don't do anything stupid. I'd hate to shoot you in the open, but I'll do it." The man smirked. "Though, as long as I've got your little friend in hand, I guess the gun ain't strictly necessary."

Ted did as he was told, fear and rage vying for control. The man was right; he was far more worried about Barney than the gun…not that getting shot was too far down the list.

Just far enough.

The apartment was disheveled and rotting. Shoddy furniture and ancient TV were its sole accoutrements. Its walls were marked with graffiti. The only things in it that looked remotely new were the lock on the door, and a stand with a birdcage hanging off it.

"Sit in the chair."

Ted sat. The man put down the gun, but continued to hold the jar.

Barney's hands were pressed to the glass. "Ted, get out of here! I'll be-"

A shake tumbled him off his feet. "Shut up Stinson. I can still shoot him."

Barney shut up.

With his free hand, the man picked up a roll of duct tape. "Hold still, or I'll hurl the jar against the wall."

Ted's arms were strapped to the arms of the chair, his legs and back likewise. "Dude, what do you want? Money? Neither of us are rich, but-"

The man rolled his eyes. "Yeah, this is a robbery. What the hell kinda idiot are you?"

He turned to the birdcage, and upended the jar. Barney shrieked, but landed unhurt in the shredded newsprint on the floor of the cage.

Now, Ted began to struggle. "Leave him alone, you son of a bitch!"

The man laughed. "You actually thought I was gonna kill him? You're an idiot. What the hell kinda profit would there be if he's dead?"

"Profit?" Barney found his voice, albeit shakily. "What does that mean?"

The man smiled and motioned to something at Barney's feet.

A woman lay on the ground at his feet.

"I'll get to explanations once she's up."

0o0o0o0

**A/N Maniacal laugh… Maniacal laugh…**


	16. Chapter 16

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Sixteen

0o0o0o0

After twenty minutes of waiting, the woman in the cage was barely awake. She was slim, dark haired, and, as far as Barney could tell, drugged out of her mind.

She blinked blearily at him, and made a small noise of surprise. "Who'r you?"

"Barney Stinson." He mumbled awkwardly. What should he do? Try to comfort her? Question her?

She regarded this information for a moment. "Run. If you c'n…"

"Easy Adele. I'll explain everything." Their captor peered into the cage, grinning wickedly. The woman closed her eyes and laid her head down softly.

"I guess I gave her a bit too much. She'll come around in a while."

Barney's back was pressed to the far wall of the cage. "What the hell do you want with us?"

"With Mosby? Nothing." The man nodded at Ted. A silver strip of tape covered Ted's mouth. He glared at the man silently. "You and Adele, however, are worth a lotta money."

The woman let out a thick laugh. "Bobby owes mooooooney…"

"Shut-up, bitch." Bobby growled at her and nudged the cage violently. Barney grabbed the bars for support. She just closed her eyes, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"How are we worth money?"

"Easy, little man. Lilliputians are valuable on the black market."

"You're…going to sell us?"

Bobby let out a harsh laugh. "Hell no! That'd net me a quick buck, but not nearly the amount I deserve. Naw, what I've got planned is a hell of a lot better. You and Adele are gonna…so some things for me." He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

A queasy feeling crept into Barney's stomach. 'He can't mean what I think he means…'

A video camera appeared in Bobby's hands. "Some people will pay to watch the two of you. And I know exactly who they are."

Adele let out a whimper and curled in on herself.

"If I sell you, that's a one-time profit. But this has…_long term potential_." The man savored the words as someone would a foreign delicacy.

Ted made a muffled sound of protest, struggling against his bonds. This was _worse_ than the nightmares, far far worse.

"I won't do it." Barney wished there was a way to look intimidating at three inches tall. "Do your worst."

"That's alright. It's what I expected, really." Bobby set the camera down and produced a knife. Barney tensed, every instinct screaming at him to flee. But even if he wasn't locked up, the cage was five feet in the air.

He might as well have been in a coffin.

Bobby smirked, turned sharply, and aimed the knife at Ted's throat. "What was that, you were saying about 'the worst' Stinson?"

"Leave him alone!"

"If I want good footage of you, I can't exactly have you bleeding out, or all banged up, can I?" Bobby trailed the knife down Ted's throat. "That's the problem with Lilliputians; they're too easy to kill. But your buddy here…"

"Stop it!" Barney rattled the cage door uselessly. The latch was much too strong for him to undo.

Ted twisted as much as the tape allowed, but he couldn't free himself. Bobby grabbed his chin, forcing him to look forwards.

"Stop thrashing. You'll just make it worse." He drew the knife down Ted's arm, slitting the cloth. "Just…stay…still."

He dragged the knife down, producing a long, but shallow scratch. Ted let out a muffled cry, sounding more angry than hurt. Blood flowed freely from the wound.

Adele twisted at the sound, curling into a ball. "Bobby, no…"

Barney shook the bars of his prison to no avail as the man drew more cuts on Ted, shredding his shirt in the process. The cuts looked painful, but it wouldn't kill him.

"I'm not going to rape anyone!"

The man turned back to Barney. "Stinson, we both know you'd be hitting on her if you saw her in the dive you and your loser friends go to each night. You'd have fucked her real quick, just to say you did. So what's the problem? Do you _want_ me to keep this up?"

"You're a sick freak." Barney growled. How long had this man been watching them, waiting for his moment to strike? How much did he know about their lives?

And what, dear God, had he done to this woman in the meantime?

"Wrong answer." The man punched Ted in the face, rocking the chair back nearly to the tipping point. Ted snarled something behind his gag.

"You want to find out how much blunt-force trauma a person can live through, Stinson?"

Ted caught Barney's eye and shook his head desperately before the next punch. 'Don't give in Barney…please…he's gonna do this to me no matter what you do…'

Adele was coming awake with the sound of each successive blow. "Bobby? Who've you got?"

"Shut _up_ Adele." Bobby snarled, stopping his attack. "This doesn't concern you. Yet."

She looked at Ted in horror. "Wha…is he here for me too?"

Both Barney and Ted shuddered at the implications of that statement.

She looked back at Barney, finally awake enough to be frightened. "Don't touch me! I swear, if you come near me-"

"I—I'm not going to do anything." Barney stammered.

Adele struggled to her feet, still unsteady from whatever Bobby had given her. She pressed herself to the other side of the cage, as far from Barney as she could get. Her eyes were wet.

"Yes, you will. Eventually, you will." Her voice shook. "They both have before."

"That's enough, Adele." Bobby stalked over and threw the door of the cage open. Adele and Barney shrank back as he reached inside. He picked her up by the scruff of her doll-clothes. She began to scream.

"Let her go!" Barney rushed forwards as he withdrew his hand, having no idea what he'd do if he managed to get there in time.

Staying still was unthinkable, even now.

The man slammed the cage door as Barney closed the distance. "She's not your concern right now, Stinson. Now, I suggest you and Mosby take this opportunity to really think about what you're willing to do to get out of here alive."

"He's lying!" Adele screamed. "He's going to kill your friend, and you're gonna—"

He shook her viciously, cutting off the last words. "Bitch, mouthing off was always your problem."

With that, he rushed into another room, slamming the door behind him.

Ted stared at him helplessly. He shook his head, knowing it couldn't convey one-tenth of what he wanted to say. The apologies for allowing this top happen…the plea that no matter what happened to him, Barney couldn't give in…

The begging for forgiveness, for not being good enough to protect him.

Barney pressed a hand on the cage door. Ted's face was already a map of bruises. The blood had slowed to a trickle, but he was covered in a thin sheen nearly to the waist.

"I'm so sorry, Ted. This is all my fault."

Ted shook his head. How could Barney possibly blame _himself_?

"If I'd just stayed at home…gone with James…God, he wouldn't have taken you too."

Ted let out a few muffled words of protest. Barney gave him a sad smile.

"See, this is why _I'm_ your best friend, not Marshall. I know exactly what you'd tell me. It's just-"

He nearly didn't draw back in time as the door swung open. It hadn't latched properly when Bobby slammed it.

Both men regarded it for a moment.

"What was it you said that one time about my body weight and the laws of physics?"

0o0o0o0

**A/N It's been crazy this week, and next week is gonna be a little nuts too (I'm going on a short trip). Never fear; I will update.**


	17. Chapter 17

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Seventeen

0o0o0o0

'No!' Ted shook his head as Barney studied the distance between the cage and the floor. It was easily five feet—or one hundred and twenty, as far as Lilliputian measurements. He'd never survive.

'Okay, well, technically, he _might_ survive without being hurt too badly, but that's a big maybe.' Ted reminded himself grimly. Barney weighed next to nothing, so falls didn't hurt as much.

Or so the theory went.

Ted shouted behind his gag, begging his friend not to jump. Barney gave him a too-confident grin.

"It's okay Ted, I'll be fine. I'm awesome, remember?"

With that, he jumped.

Ted strained forwards, willing himself to break free of the chair, and catch Barney. But this time, time didn't slow down. He stayed firmly glued to the spot as Barney hit the wood with barely a sound.

'Shitshitshit!' Ted tried to see if he was breathing, but the movement, if there, was too small. He let out a few muffled cries, but Barney didn't even twitch.

Ted shut his eyes, feeling tears start to well up. 'Please God, _please_, let him be okay. I don't care what happens to me, just let him be alive.'

"Oww…"

Ted's eyes flew open.

Barney was on his knees, arms wrapped around himself. "That…hurt worse…than shrinking did."

He looked up at Ted, trying to manage a smile. "Told you so."

Ted jerked his head towards the door. 'Go. Get out of here before that lunatic come back. Please, Barney, just go…'

Barney, willfully oblivious to his friend's frantic jerking, slowly limped over to Ted's ankle and began tugging at the tape. Ted jiggled his leg as much as the bondage allowed, trying to shake him off.

"I'm trying to get you out of here. Hold still!"

Ted shook his head. 'Go, damnit!'

"Okay, this isn't going anywhere." Barney leaned on him, winded and weak from the fall. He's been bruised badly, but nothing seemed to be broken. A sprained ankle and wrist, perhaps. "Guess that leaves one alternative. Did he take your cell?"

Ted shook his head slowly, wondering where Barney was going with this. 'No…he can't…'

With a grunt of effort, Barney grabbed a handful of Ted's jeans and began to climb.

'Oh, you _idiot_.'

"Don't shake me off. It won't kill me, but it hurts like a bitch." Barney climbed as quickly as his battered body allowed. It took several minutes, but he made it to Ted's lap. "Tell me it's in your jacket, and not in your back pocket."

Ted nodded mournfully.

"Good." Barney gingerly slid between Ted's jacket and his ribs, quickly draining his strength to hoist himself into the inner pocket. Ted's phone flashed in the darkness of the cloth.

Barney sank to a sitting position, nearly at the end of his endurance. 'Good thing 9-1-1 is only three buttons…'

He groaned and pushed the 'nine' with both hands, his injured wrist protesting. He drew back, massaging it.

'Okay, now the one…' He eyed the button for a moment, trying to catch his breath.

The ring startled him as Robin's number flashed across the screen.

'Robin is nine on Ted's speed-dial? Why the hell is she so far down the list?'

This question was firmly shoved out of his mind as Robin's voice came over the line. "Ted, hi. What's up?"

"Robin-" Barney's voice stuck in his throat.

"Barney? What's up?"

So much he wanted to say. But not now. This wasn't the time to freeze up. Ted's life depended on it.

"Robin, just listen. Ted and I have been kidnapped, and we need help." Barney spoke quickly, rolling over her cries and questions. "Ted's hurt, and this psycho is gonna kill him. I was trying to call nine-one-one, but I don't think I can push any more buttons."

"Where are you?"

"I…I don't know. Near the river, in some skanky abandoned apartment."

"I've got a friend-finder app on my phone, I'll find you. I'm gonna call the police." The shake in Robin's voice was all but completely hidden. "Are you somewhere safe?"

Barney managed a small laugh. "I'm in Ted's pocket, so…yeah, until the kidnapper comes back."

"Alright. We'll be there with the cops. Don't do anything stupid."

"Too late." Barney used the last of his strength to kick the 'end' button. If Bobby came back and heard Robin's voice coming from Ted's pocket, they were sunk.

Well, _more_ sunk.

"Ted? Robin…Robin's getting help." Barney raised his voice. "But…I don't think I can do anything else."

He felt movement from his friend, but had no idea how to interpret it. He was just so tired…

To frightened to sleep, to weak to stay awake, he drifted into a haze. For how long, he couldn't say.

Bobby's voice shook him from his retreat.

"Where is he, Mosby?"

The world tilted under him as Ted's chair was thrown backwards. The crash of impact was barely cushioned by Ted's body and the cloth. Barney found himself lying down under the cell phone. It was hefty, but not enough to squish him.

There was a loud rip.

"Where is he?"

"Fuck you." Ted's voice was harsh and defiant. "He's gone."

There was a soft *snick*. It was a noise Barney knew too well. Bobby had gotten out his knife.

"We'll see about that."

Ted cried out as the man stabbed him, somewhere other than a main artery. Bobby was too smart to finish things that quickly, especially when he needed information.

"I'm here!" Barney cried out, his voice buried under Ted's. He tried to squirm out from under the phone, but it was too massive for his battered body to shift. "Ted, tell him!"

Ted either couldn't hear him, or didn't listen. All Barney could hear was the slash of the knife, and Ted's bellows of pain.

"Mosby, you're no good to me alive unless I have Stinson. Where…is…he?"

"Gone." Ted's voice was weaker now. "Escaped."

"The fuck he did."

Barney thrashed violently, but couldn't free himself. "I'm here, stop hurting him!"

There was a pause.

"Well, now. What's this?"

The massive hand of their captor was thrust into the pocket.

'At least Ted will be okay.' Barney steeled himself for the crushing grip, and whatever would follow.

To his amazement, the man lifted the phone away, fingers barely brushing the Lilliputian. He hadn't heard Barney's cries after all, it seemed. He'd just noticed the shape of the phone in Ted's jacket.

The world tilted upright as the chair was lifted. Barney lay collapsed in a heap, unable to climb out of Ted's pocket, his voice too weak to attract the notice of their kidnapper.

'Weak.'

"Ted…" Whisper, sob, or plea, he wasn't sure anymore.

0o0o0o0

**A/N Back from my trip, with a head full of new ideas (if nothing else).**


	18. Chapter 18

Interesting Times, by GirlX2

Chapter Eighteen

0o0o0o0

'Okay, you have the address, you called the cops, and you called Marshall and Lily. What's next?' Robin slid into her car. 'Check the gun, Scherbatsky. Make sure it's loaded.'

In the past, it might have worried her that the voices in her head sounded like Barney.

She had bigger things to worry about.

0o0o0o0

The cops were already there as Robin screeched to a halt in front of the derelict building. Lily and Marshall were God knew where. She sat quietly in the car as men swarmed into the building.

'Barney said the kidnapper was going to kill Ted…why? Why would anyone want to hurt him? An ex-girlfriend, I can see that, but only for Barney…why Ted?'

"Ma'am?" A cop knocked on her window. "You're gonna have to move along. There's a situation inside."

"My friends are in there. I'm the one who called 911." She stepped out of the car, trying to keep her hand from flying to her gun. She had a permit to carry a concealed weapon, but the cop made her nervous all the same.

The cop frowned, but waved her through. She could see a large group of men bringing something down the steps…

A stretcher. Ted was on it, still as death.

Her heart sped up as she raced forwards; Paramedics were cutting his shirt and jacket off. Both were soaked with blood. Several ugly wounds were revealed as the clothing fell away. His flesh was pale—nearly gray.

'Oh God.' Robin skidded to a halt a few feet away. "Ted!"

His eyes shifted to meet hers. His lips began to move soundlessly, but she knew well enough what he was saying.

"Barney? I don't know, he said he was…"

She dove to the ground, snatching up the fragments of blood soaked clothing.

'He could have been cut! Or stepped on!' She searched through the cloth desperately, feeling Ted's stare on her back. The noise and confusion melted into nothingness. Nothing mattered except finding Barney, safe and sound.

Her fingers connected with something that began to struggle weakly.

"Barney…" Her voice dropped to a Lilliputian-appropriate decibel as she drew her hand back.

He was covered in blood; whether it was his own or Ted's, she didn't know. She had to assume the latter; Barney's body didn't even _contain_ that much blood any more.

He blinked at her, and shielded his eyes against the dim twilight sun. "Robin…is Ted okay?"

Her throat clenched. Was this the same self-centered man she'd known four months ago?

'Stop that. You know he cares about the group as much as himself, deep deep down.'

"Robin?"

"He's…the paramedics have him. He's worried about you." She stood up, giving them both a view of their friend. Ted's eyes had closed in the interim. A paramedic slipped a breathing mask over his face and began to pump oxygen into it.

"Ted! A bro doesn't die on another bro! Do you hear me? God damnit, Ted listen to me!"

Ted's eyelids fluttered weakly, only to slide shut again.

"Ma'am, please follow us to the ambulance." A paramedic gently steered Robin towards the vehicle. "We need to look over your friends."

"Wait!" Barney shouted, catching the man's attention. "There's a woman in there…somewhere. She's like me."

"Guys, there's a female Lilliputian in there!" The man yelled to a pair of cops, who rushed inside.

"Thank you." Barney's voice dropped, now a tad hoarse.

Robin allowed herself to be led. One of the paramedics was questioning Barney, but made no move to take him from Robin's hand as they got inside.

She didn't hear Barney's answers. She didn't hear anything but the beep of the pulse monitor hanging over Ted.

0o0o0o0

"He's sedated, but you can see him for a few minutes." The nurse nodded kindly at Lily. "Your other friend is fine, however, apart from a few minor sprains and bruises. I think he's in there now with his girlfriend."

Lily and Marshall choked back a reflexive laugh.

"Thanks." He straightened his features out. "We'll just be a second."

The slipped past her quickly. Ted's wounds had been stitched up, and blood was being poured back into him via an IV. The doctors said he'd be fine.

Physically, anyway.

"What happened to them? Why would someone want to hurt Barney?" Lily whispered as they entered the room.

Marshall just shook his head. The police had someone in custody, but that was about all he knew.

Robin was standing near the far wall, hands stained with the faint ghost of Ted's blood. They were empty.

"Oh, God, Ted." Lily raised a shocked hand to her mouth.

Ted's skin wasn't as pale as before, but he didn't look well. A large IV dominated a corner of the room, feeding him blood and painkillers. His abdomen was covered in stitched; half a dozen wounds circled his torso.

Barney was sitting on his shoulder, whispering a constant stream of chatter into Ted's ear. None of the full-sized friends could make out what was being said. Barney's wrist was wrapped tightly, one ankle in a splint Marshall suspected was made from a Popsicle stick.

"Oh, Robin, sweetie…" Lily wrapped her friend in a hug.

Robin hugged her back, fiercely. "I'm going to kill the bastard who did this."

"Just let me be your lawyer, okay?' Marshall smiled weakly.

"Robin, you look exhausted. Come get some coffee with me; Marshall can stay here."

Robin nodded, and allowed Lily to lead her from the room.

Marshall collapsed into a chair the moment the women were gone. His legs were shaking too much to hold him.

"Marshall, a little help?" Barney was trying to get off Ted's shoulder, but between his wrist and ankle, couldn't manage.

"Easy, dude, you don't want to break anything falling." Marshall picked him up.

"That's a laugh." Barney muttered.

They watched Ted quietly for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there with you guys."

"Don't. Not your fault."

"A bro should be with his friends when a lunatic kidnaps them."

"No, man. You would have gotten hurt too." Barney's face was carefully blank. "I couldn't handle any more of that now."

0o0o0o0

To be continued…

0o0o0o0

**A/N Sorry for the unsusally long wait; it's getting to crunch time with both my shows, and my job (ah, Valentines Day. How I loath you). Hope this'll hold you all over till the next update. **


	19. Chapter 19

They sat quietly for what felt like hours before Barney spoke again.

"It's my fault."

"How the hell could this be your fault?" Marshall demanded.

"The guy…Bobby…he only wanted _me_. Ted was there to make sure I did what he said. He was an insurance policy." Barney shook his head. "And then, when I tried to escape—"

"Whoa, dude, slow down. Tell me everything from the beginning."

He did.

Marshall sat, enraptured and horrified. He knew it came out…well, not _alright_, but with everyone alive at least. The paramedics had found Adele, scared but unhurt. She was with family now, or so Marshall's lawyer-y powers had ferreted out.

"Barney…NONE of that was your fault." He said after Barney finished.

Barney motioned to their prone friend. "If he'd given me up, Bobby wouldn't have stabbed him."

"Would you have given him up?"

"Don't."

"He did what any of us would have done." Marshall insisted. "And you saved his life. You nearly _killed_ yourself saving him."

"He never would have been there if I'd gone with James four months ago."

"Yeah, and that means Adele and whoever Bobby kidnapped would still be with him. You saved her life too; more, really, because now they can find out who he sold the other men to."

Barney paused for a moment. "Okay, I'll give you that one."

"Damn right you will." A voice spoke up from behind them. If Barney's ankle hadn't been bound up, he probably would have spun around comically. As it was, he waited for Marshall to shift.

James stood in the doorway, face pale and wan.

"How long have you been there?"

"Long enough." He walked over and dropped to one knee, face to face with his brother. "Bro…I am so sorry. You were right. _Ted_ was right. He did everything he could to make sure you were safe—"

The words were tumbling out almost too quickly for the other men to keep track of. Barney was stunned at the flood of apologies.

"James, stop! I get it." He held up his hands. "It's cool, man."

"It won't be cool until I can apologize to Ted. I…I said some damn stupid things." James' shook his head. "I wanted to apologize as soon as I was sober, but…"

"That whole pride thing. I understand." Barney nodded.

James nodded and got to his feet. "Mom's here too. She's dying to see you."

"I really shouldn't leave until Ted's awake."

"Barney, I'll stay with Ted. Go see your Mom." Marshall insisted gently.

Seeing no easy way to opt out, he sighed and stepped into his brother's hand.

"I wish you hadn't dragged her up here, bro."

"Yeah,_ I_ dragged _her_."

0o0o0o0

To be continued…

0o0o0o0

**A/N Okay, explanations are in order. Aside from two shows going up almost simultaneously, in the month that's passed I've managed to get food poisoning, slice my finger open (it's healed now, but I needed 2 stitches) and had to subsequently throw myself into my work to make up for lost time. I'm hoping the updates will go back to, if not their former pace, a good deal quicker than a month in-between. **

**Sorry for the shortness of the chapter, but at this point, I just wanted to get SOMETHING out. **


	20. Chapter 20

Interesting Times, Chapter 20

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

Robin allowed Lily to lead her to a quiet alcove away from the main hustle and bustle of the hospital. Soon, she was plied with coffee, donuts, and something Lily assured her was both legal and alcoholic.

"This is cough syrup, isn't it?" She wrinkled her nose after taking a swig.

"Ancient Chinese secret. It might be a while before we hit MacLarens again." Lily shrugged. "I just wanted to cover all my bases."

"Thanks." Robin swigged a bit more of the mystery concoction.

They sat quietly for a few moments. Lily reached out and took a hold of Robin's hand, squeezing it gently.

"It was bad."

Lily said nothing. Robin, strong as she was, would tell it all without prompting, and only without prompting.

"I thought…I though Barney was dead." A choked, muffled noise escaped Robin's throat at the end of this.

Lily handed her a tissue.

"Thanks. Ted looked bad, but he was still moving, you know? I knew he was gonna be okay…it's _Ted_."

Lily nodded, not feeling at all the same. Robin was on the verge of something big here, beyond what she felt over the last few hours.

"He was in the clothes the paramedics cut off. I was…I thought he'd been cut up. They didn't know where he was, only Ted and I knew that. And Ted…that's all he cared about. As soon as he saw Barney was okay, he started to slip away."

Robin's hand trembled lightly.

"Barney…all he wanted to know about was Ted. There he was, scared, hurt, and covered in blood, and all he cared about was Ted." She shook her head. "It was surreal."

"You don't mean him just being tiny, do you."

Robin shook her head. "It's like…everything about him that's changed over the last four months suddenly hit me. He's still the same person, just…a bit less."

Lily didn't point out the obvious pun.

"You know he hasn't slept with anyone? I know he's had the opportunity. And he still talks about getting laid like normal. I don't get it."

"Are you in love with him?"

It bubbled up before Lily could stop herself. She clapped her free hand belatedly to her mouth.

Robin jerked in surprise. "What? No! No, of course not. It's Barney."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." Robin's tone belied her words. "He's the same selfish, egotistical, insane, horney teenager in a man's body."

"You just said he wasn't."

Robin studied her best friend, anger flickering in her eyes. "Is that why you think I care? I must be in love with him? I care about Ted too and I don't love him."

Lily shrugged. "You spend the most time with him, aside from Ted and Marshall. And that's only because Marshall works with them. Plus, you haven't seen anyone for months now."

"That doesn't mean I'm in love!"

"No, but it's a hell of a lot of evidence." Lily looked troubled. "I've seen how he looks at you, Robin."

"What?"

"You don't see it—or won't, I'm not sure which." Lily let the words tumble out; she wouldn't be able to work up the nerve again to say them. "He might not be in love with you, I couldn't tell you for sure; but if he's not, it's the worst case of puppy love I've ever seen."

"What are you talking about?"

"He gazes at you."

"You mean he stares at my boobs."

"Well, sure, but not all the time. He watches your face; he laughs when you do, looks offended on your behalf; he's all but following you around like one of your dogs, and that's only due to the special limits."

"You've seen all this?"

"Yeah."

"And you never said anything."

'It's not my place. I wanted to talk to Barney about it, but…it's all so awkward. Even if he wasn't…you know."

Robin's throat clenched. 'No. I'm not…HE'S not…It's Barney! He doesn't fall in love.'

"And, after all, you've already slept together."

Robin sucked in a deep breath. Their single sexual encounter had almost caused Ted to permanently cast Barney out of his life, and ended up with Barney in the hospital. She wouldn't let anything like that ever happen again.

"Lily. Promise me you won't say anything about this, even to Marshall."

"I haven't yet." Lily evaded answering the question.

"Promise me. After last time…and with Ted in the hospital…I don't want to add anything else to his plate." Robin implored. "_Please_."

Lily frowned, but nodded.

"Thank you. We'd better go check on Ted…he might be awake by now." Robin stood and scurried from the alcove, her head spinning.

0o0o0o0

To be continued…

0o0o0o0

**A/N The plot thickens! And, thanks to my BF for letting me swipe his laptop while I'm at rehearsal for my new show (I was drafted into a musical version of 'Blythe Spirit', called High Spirits). Mustn't waste a moment!**


	21. Chapter 21

Interesting Times, Chapter 21

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

Ted's first conscious feeling was pain. That was hardly a surprise, given what he'd been through in the last few hours, but it was surprisingly light. He felt itchy more than anything else.

He was lying somewhere cool, soft, and quiet; a hospital no doubt.

He could hear someone else breathing lightly. Cautiously, he opened one eye.

Marshall sat near him, head propped on one hand, eyes closed. He was wearing scrubby clothes; he hadn't been home since getting the call about his friends. That meant little time had passed. A good sign.

Ted lifted a hand, his vision going swimmy as he tried to concentrate on it. Painkillers. That explained a lot.

In fact, everything was explained. Except…

"Barney." His voice was slurry.

Marshall blinked awake. "Ted? Bro?"

"Mar'shal." Ted tried to make his mouth work. "Wher's Barney?"

"He's fine." Marshall came fully awake. "He's with James and his Mom. Dude, how are you feeling?"

Ted shook his head. "Lousy."

Marshall nodded. "Maybe this'll help; they caught the guy."

A crooked grin broke out on his face. "Bastard."

Marshall nodded. "Barney told me. They've got Adele too; she's okay."

Ted nodded, and let his eyes close. "Am I really screwed up?"

"You'll be okay. Nothing a few stitches won't fix." The easy tone told Ted this was true.

It was only then he allowed himself to drift off; not back to sleep, but back to the warm, dark place he'd been moments ago.

He wanted to be awake when Barney came back.

0o0o0o0

Robin, Lily, and Barney came back to Ted's room at the same time. James handed him to Robin, without the slightest compunction.

"Hey." He smiled at her, a tad shy. "I um…yeah."

"Yeah." She and Lily echoed, the same awkward smiles pasted on their faces.

"Is Ted awake yet?" Barney stared at the wood as if he could penetrate it with his gaze alone.

"Let's see." Lily pushed the door open.

Ted's eyelids fluttered at the noise, but didn't open. Marshall looked up at them, grinning.

"He was just asking about you."

"Ted?" Robin edged closer, suddenly conscious of the crowding in the tiny suite. "Hey, Mosby. Wake up."

Ted's eyelids fluttered again, this time staying open.

"Barney." He seemed relieved at the sight of his friend, even clothed as he was in a tiny hospital gown and trussed in several splints.

"How you feeling?"

"Lousy." Ted shrugged. "Bet'r now."

Robin gently set Barney on the pillow. He immediately scrambled onto Ted's chest.

"I'm sorry." Barney rushed the words out over Ted's mumbled protests. "If it wasn't for me, this wouldn't have happened."

"Don' be stupid." Ted's eyes closed. "_Bobby_. All him. You saved my life."

"You saved mine."

"Even, then." Ted smiled dimly, falling back towards sleep. "I…wasn't good enough."

"You were amazing." James' finally spoke up.

Ted's eyes snapped open. "James…I…"

"Saved Barney's life. I'm sorry I ever doubted you." James took his hand in a firm grip. "And if you two don't stop apologizing, I'll smack both of you into next week."

This elicited a laugh, breaking the tension.

"I'll see you in the morning, bro." Barney looked to Robin for help. "Assuming someone will take me back to the apartment."

"Y-yeah. Of course." Robin laid her hand before him, hoping he hadn't noticed the tremor.

"You get t' go home. Lucky." Ted sighed, already half asleep.

"Yep, lucky lucky me." Barney said soothingly. He motioned at the door. Robin slipped out of the room, James and Marshall in tow. Lily could stand watch for a while.

Waiting in the hallway were two policemen.

"Sir, I'm officer Jones, this is officer Smith. We need to take your statement."

"Yeah, I figured." Barney looked to Robin. "Can you wait a while?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"Good. Marshall?"

Marshall gently picked him up. "I'm Mr. Stinson's attorney. Where can we do this?"

As the men broke into legalese, Robin retreated to James's side.

"You have a key to Ted's place? I assume Barney's current apartment is still there."

"Of course." She watched them disappear down the hall. "We've all got keys for everyone's place. All except for Barney; he was barely ever at home except to get laid and sleep."

"I see." James held his hands up, placating.

"What?"

"You just sounded a bit pissed about that last part."

"Sorry."

James studied her for a moment. "He's in love with you, you know."

"He's not."

"Excellent defense." James rolled his eyes. "Look, I don't know if this is a straight people thing, or just a Barney and you thing, but one of you has to be honest with the other one. It's getting painful to watch."

Robin had no reply for this. She opted for a derisive snort, feverently hoping Lily would join them in the hallway

"Barney…you know about his fiancé, right? About what that bitch did to him?"

She nodded.

"Just do me a favor, and keep that in mind." James watched as the men vanished down the hallway. "He can't deal with having his heart shattered right now."

A litany of denials rose to Robin's lips, the least of which was 'He's stronger now.'

'James' is his brother. He knows Barney better than I ever could.'

She just had to keep telling herself that.

0o0o0o0

Marshall kept his face stony as Barney told his story. The last thing he needed was for his lawyer to lose his lunch in front of the cops. It was all Marshall could do to keep his breathing even and not let his stomach heave.

'Spewing is not an option.' He swallowed hard against the sour taste. They were holed up in a kitchenette—no good place to vomit.

"…And that's when he started to st…sta…" Barney paled alarmingly. "C-could I please have some water?"

"Of course." The cop set down a paper cup Barney could have drowned in. "Um…"

"It's cool, I've got it." Marshall dug into the depths of his coat and retrieved a metallic jigger.

Barney accepted the water gratefully and took a few deep breaths before continuing. His color failed to return. "That was when the guy started stabbing T-Ted. I was in his jacket, so I couldn't see anything, but I could hear…and f-feel."

Marshall stopped himself from reaching out and stroking Barney's back, but only just.

"Ted was b-bleeding, but by then I could hear someone smashing the door in—After that I kinda…I don't know, faded out. I didn't really come to until…"

"When, sir?"

"When my friend Robin found me on the ground."

The two cops exchange a quick look.

"I think that's all we'll need for the moment, Mr. Stinson." Officer Jones' voice was kind. "If you'd like, there are a number of counselors who work with trauma victims. I could give you a number-"

"I-I'm-"

"Don't you dare say fine." Marshall said sharply. "I'll take a card for whoever you think would be best suited."

Barney nodded, something like shame flitting across his face.

The cops gave him the card and hastily exited the tiny kitchenette. Marshall waited a nanosecond before bending over the sink and heaving.

"Marshall!"

'I'm cool." Marshall managed after rinsing his mouth, and to a greater extent, the sink. "But if that's just from hearing it…dude, you're going to see somebody about this."

Defeated, Barney managed a nod.

"Good. Now let's get the hell outta here."

0o0o0o0

To be continued.

0o0o0o0

**A/N Usual apologies for lateness. New development, though: I'm also job hunting. Yay. At least I'm still employed, unlike so many of my friends. Can't complain too much.**


	22. Chapter 22

Interesting Times, Chapter 22

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

Knowing it was a dream didn't make it better. He would wake up to the insane, yet real, horror soon enough. Best to take something he knew to be fantasy.

Anything was better than facing the reality that he was three inches tall, had almost gotten his friend murdered, and was hopelessly in love with a woman who was too good for him before either of those things had happened.

He was falling; from where, to where, or if he would survive, he didn't know. Something green was rushing up to meet him. Grass, he realized, moments before the blades slashed past his face. He continued to fall, buffeted by blades as sharp as a cornstalk's leaves, and much, much taller.

"Ted!" He cried out, hoping for the safety of his friend, even in this dreamworld. Distant rumblings shook the ground as he collided with the dirt. Winded, he took a few moments to gather his strength. Weren't you supposed to be impervious to pain in dreams? Or was he only dreaming he was in pain?

It didn't seem to matter.

"Ted?" He lifted his eyes to the sky, his voice emerging as little more than a pained whimper. Something was wrong with his throat.

The sky above him was the ridiculous blue of a robin's egg. Something shadowy, immense, strode over him, blotting out the sun for a moment as it passed. A thunderous rumbled accompanied it's movement.

'If that was a person', the sick inner voice that took delight in his suffering spoke up, 'you're not three inches tall anymore. You're much, much smaller.'

"TED!" He screamed, and grabbed at his throat. He's said 'Ted' he was sure of it. But that wasn't what had come out.

It sounded like a squeak.

'I take it back. This is worse than being awake.' Barney shut his eyes tightly, not wanting to see anymore of this nightmare, and hoping to God he didn't forget it was only a dream.

The thunderous rumbling above got louder, but no more intelligible. Barney opened his eyes, the scene unchanged.

'You might be an inch or so. Might.' The voice said smugly.

"Shut-up." Barney shook his head. Still just a squeak. And the voice didn't shut up.

'Good luck getting his attention like this.'

"Barney?"

A voice like lead weights dropping onto a marble floor assaulted him. He clamped his hands to his ears, but it did nothing.

Apparently, you couldn't go deaf in a dream.

Was it Ted above him? He didn't dare look. He changed his mind, didn't want to be found like this. Not by a massive Ted from the depths of his mind who'd likely be a mess of blood, and blaming him for what had happened.

Something smashed into the ground next to him. He squeaked in terror, and scrambled backwards. It was as big around as a tree trunk, and covered in grayish brown spikes.

He looked upwards, unwillingly motored by the spasms of nightmare.

A spider...no. There was no spider that was ever like this. Slavering maw, complete with blood. Red eyes. It towered above him, much bigger than a tarantula.

Good God, was _that_ what had said his name?

'Zipping down the food chain, are we?' The smug little voice sounded cheerful.

The spider was grinning, oh God, how could that even be-

Further thought was cut as the thing pounced, lightly and lithely on his body. Fangs dug into his neck, pumping poison into him. All sensations below his neck ceased, replaced with a numb tingling.

No...he could feel something new as the fangs retracted. Something smooth encircling his body.

He continued to scream, unleashing squeaks in an unending stream. It was cocooning him.

The webbing stopped and the thing scuttled away from the grassy point of impact; where it was taking him, Barney didn't know, or care.

'I want to wake up, I don't want to see anymore, please...' He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself back to reality. He could practically feel it above, like a swimmer deep under water. He thrashed, fighting to wake.

He remained trapped in the silken weave, dangling from the monster's mouth. The motion suddenly stopped. He forced himself to look.

A small pile of dessicated husks lay on the ground beneath the spider. Three empty web sacks, identical to the one he was in.

Ted. Lily. Marshall. Their names might as well have been written on the husks.

He was falling again, his journey much shorter than before. The thing leered down at him, it's eyes glinting.

Something nearby squeaked.

No. Oh God, no, not this, anything but this, he'd live through a thousand deaths if only he didn't see whatever the creature hid behind the pile of husks.

The cocoons crumbled to nothing, revealing Robin's tear-stained face. The rest of her was encircled by the same silk trap as him.

0o0o0o0

Robin all but tore the roof off in her attempt to get to Barney. She could hear him crying out in his sleep, screams that should have awakened him. It might have been a residual effect of the medications the hospital had given him.

He lay in bed, tangled in his blankets, thrashing, screaming...screaming...

'He's saying my name.'

"Barney!" She raised her voice to a decibel she knew him to be uncomfortable with. He didn't rouse.

She plucked him from the bed, hoping this would do the trick, but was unsurprised when it didn't. One thing left, then.

"This always works in the movies." She poured the cold contents of her soda can onto him.

His eyes flew open. "Robin!"

"Easy, easy. It's okay. I'm here."

"What...wha..." He spluttered and tried to disentangle himself from the bedding. "What happened?"

"I...I couldn't wake you up. I'm sorry."

He shook his head, shivering. "What _is_ this?"

"Sprite." She said apologetically. "I couldn't sleep, and I got thirsty."

"It's fine." Barney wiped soda from his eyes. He looked pale. "Um...I think I'll take a shower. If you could put the roof back on."

"Sure." She replaced it gently, and sat nearby to wait. She didn't think Barney would be sleeping anymore tonight.

She wouldn't be.

0o0o0o0

**A/N Sorry it's not more plot relevant, but sometimes the muse refuses to give you anything until you've gotten certain things out. Also working on a book, and an Avengers fic, so I've been busy.  
**


	23. Chapter 23

Interesting Times, Chapter 23

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

Barney toweled off, the hot water washing the worst of the nightmare from his mind. He could hear Robin moving around outside, obviously restless.

'Well, she was awake to hear my freak out.' He shook his head. He had to talk to her. 'I can't even suit up for this. Life is _not_ fair.'

He left the mini-apartment, and found Robin shifting restlessly on the couch, pretending to watch a rerun of COPS. "Hey."

"Hi." She muted the TV. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just a nightmare."

"I don't blame you, after today."

"Yeah. Mind if I join you?"

"Sure." She laid her hand flat. "Hop on."

"That's what he said."

"Very funny." She set him on the back of the couch.

They watched a cop chase a robber over a fence. "So."

"So, James said you're in love with me."

Barney went ridged, his eyes locked on the TV. "Uh."

"Yeah." Robin's voice cracked a little. "So…do you?"

"Um…I…"

"Barney, just say it."

"If I do, you're gonna squish me." The events of the previous day sucked out any humor this joke might have had.

"Stinson, if you don't just say whatever you need to say-"

"I'm in love with you!" Barney managed to tear his gaze from the TV and look at her. "I've been in love with you since before this all happened to me, and I wasn't going to tell you _then_, let alone now!"

Robin said nothing.

"If you're gonna walk out, I'd appreciate a lift back onto the table."

"I'm not walking out."

Barney stared at her, puzzled. "Getting ready to scream? Because it's already loud."

"No."

"I'm running out of appropriate reactions."

"How about I just say I have feelings for you too?"

Barney's throat clenched. "You…love me too?"

"I didn't say that." She said quietly. "I'm not sure what I feel, Barney."

He nodded quietly. "Well. Moot point anyway."

"Why?"

"Because I'm three inches tall?"

She shook her head. "Like there aren't any regular/Lilliputian couples."

"You…would date me?"

"Yeah."

"Like this."

"Yeah."

"No sex, and virtually no touching involved."

"Yes."

"Dating me, for my mind and not my body."

"Do you want me to say it in French? Oui, je vais sortir avec vous."

Barney studied her face. "You're serious?"

"Barney, if I wanted to screw with you, I'd stick you in a Barbie dress and take you to Lily's classroom for playtime."

Barney laughed with a slightly manic note to his voice. "So. Where do we go from here?"

"I'd like to start with this." Robin pressed the tip of her finger to her lips, and gently brushed Barney's mouth. "Until we figure out something better. You're tiny, not made of glass."

It was good that he was already sitting down, or he might have fallen to his knees. "Robin…what if they never fix this, and I'm stuck this way?"

"We'll burn that bridge if and when we come to it. Right now, who cares?"

Barney thought about this for a moment. "I knew there was a reason I loved you."

0o0o0o0

**A/N About time those crazy kids got it all out in the open.**


	24. Chapter 24

Interesting Times, Chapter 24

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

"So, this is what you were doing while I was away?" Ted shook his head, but smiled.

"Oh please, you know this looks awesome." Barney scoffed.

The apartment had been adorned with some of Barney's prized possessions, namely his stormtrooper, his espresso maker, and his DVD collection. Ted had to admit it; the stormtrooper looked cool.

"It's not like we could overhaul the whole place in two days." Robin added, smiling nervously. She really didn't want to have the coming conversation.

"I'm thankful for small favors." Ted eased himself onto the couch. He'd gotten a series of stitches and had to move carefully, but was otherwise cleared to return to his normal life.

A relative term at the best of times.

Robin held Barney, and the two were both acting a tad...off. Ted resolved to wait patiently. He had a pretty good idea what was coming.

"So, um..." Barney shot a desperate look at Robin. "Robin has something to tell you."

"You _jackass_." Robin growled.

"Hey, I'm handicapped."

"Are you two going to tell me you're dating, or can I just keep watching this for free?" Ted injected mildly.

Both his friends stopped, mouths open.

Ted sighed. "After everything that's happened, you honestly think I'd be angry?"

"I...I just didn't want to upset you." Barney said.

"Bro, I'm gonna say this, and then we're done with this: I want you both to be happy. So _be_ happy."

Barney swallowed, unable to speak.

"You do realize I'm not moving in with him, or vice-versa?" Robin asked cautiously.

"That'd be one hell of a trick. I don't think you could fit a foot in his apartment, let alone anything else." Ted gave them a quizzical look. "But I really, _really_ don't want to hear about how you plan to work around that."

"Yeah, good." Robin set Barney on the couch. "I've gotta get to work, but I'll call you later."

Ted averted his eyes as Robin gently ran a finger down Barney's back. They needed a Lilliputian tie-on-the-knob system stat.

Barney all but fell to the couch after Robin left. "I have never wanted to be back to normal so badly."

"I guessed." Ted said quietly.

"What's wrong?"

"It's not fair."

"What?"

"You have been put through hell for the last four months, and we both nearly died before something good happened for you. Life isn't supposed to be this hard."

"Oh."

"It's like...how are we supposed to move past that?" Ted said angrily. "How the hell can we just say, 'well, the guy's in jail, and Barney got the girl, so all's well that ends well?'!"

"I don't know."

Ted's shoulders sagged. He looked worn. "I'm scared. What if there's a next time? What if I can't help you? God, it's like the first days all over again!"

"Ted, listen to me; I know you're freaked. I am too. But I really don't want to spend any more time freaking out over what might happen. I figure, the wost has happened. We made it."

"...Huh. That makes a little sense."

"Is that some kind of short joke, Mosby?"

Ted grinned. "Ahh, you know me better than that. My short jokes are way funnier."

"Sure they are Ted."

"Here's one: if a Lilliputian does weed, does he get high or medium?"

"Ha ha."

"What do you get when you cross a Lilliputan with a computer?"

"So not helping you here."

"A short circuit."

"You know Ted, I'm glad you're tall. Gives me more to dislike."

Both men broke into laughs.

"So, this is how we manage? By being bros?"

"Works for me."

0o0o0o0

To be continued...

0o0o0o0

**A/N New jobs, new plays, so yeah, I'm busy.**


	25. Chapter 25

Interesting Times, Chapter 25

By GirlX2

0o0o0o0

Six months of living with Lilliputian syndrome, and things had almost never been better. He was living with his best bro, dating the woman he loved, and plagued by nightmares nightly.

It was almost worth it.

He was seeing a therapist like they wanted. It helped. A little. He and Ted were waiting patiently for the trial; it'd been mercilessly hyped by the media, and so finding an impartial jury was difficult. Marshal assured him that it wouldn't matter; there was no way the guy would get away with what he'd done.

And now here he lay, afraid to go to sleep, to exhausted to stay awake, hoping that thoughts of Robin would shield him from the nightmares.

0o0o0o0o0

"Ted, you are so wrong. Clearly, Loki is the hero of The Avengers."

"How?"

"The story of a man, rejected by his adopted father, seeking love from his brother, and trying to change the world for the better? How is it not?"

"It was a little weird seeing Tony Stark with Lilliputian syndrome, though." Lily said.

"Hey, it was the residual effect of the Pym particle not Lilliputian Syndrome." Marshall argued. "Totally makes sense."

"Yeah, that makes much more sense than Robert Downey Jr. getting the syndrome, and them being unable to replace him." Ted smirked.

"Still better than the Hulk movies." Barney pointed out.

"Agreed." The others clinked glasses over his head. They'd been staying having their nightly get-togethers in Ted's apartment since the ordeal, rather than McLarens. It was easier for Barney and Ted; they'd both become minor celebrities for a few weeks following their ordeal.

"It's actually a good thing: RJD has been raising money to fund the scientists working on a cure." Ted pointed out.

"Yeah, down from twenty years to ten." Barney mumbled. "_If_ it works at all."

There was an awkward pause as the four normal friends tried to find something reassuring to say.

"They could be in human testing by the end of the year." Lily said meekly.

Barney gave her a sad smile. "I know. Thanks for trying, Lil."

"You know, we're all looking at this the wrong way." Marshall was struck by inspiration. "There are plenty of super cool things Barney can do now that he's small that we can't."

"Like what?" Barney asked, amused.

"You could be a spy."

"James Bond, international man of smurfyness." Barney laughed. "Thanks, but no."

"You could be a super hero. Ant Man is even smaller than you and he kicks major butt."

"Yeah, he also has the strength of a full-grown man, and the ability to get back to normal on command." Ted pointed out. "Not to mention being fictional."

"Fine, Mr. negativity. Barney could be a movie star: they're desperate for Lilliputian performers."

"That one I like!"

"Oh no you don't." Robin said in a mock-stern tone.

"I don't? Why?"

"Because then thousands of women will be drooling over you, and I'll have to beat them all up."

"Ahh, you'd kick their asses, Scherbatsky."

"Damn right I would."

"Okay, so no movies. You could be an inspector for micro technologies, a tester for remote control race cars, a master thief…"

Marshall continued to tick off new jobs and identities for Barney amid gales of laughter.

"See? It's not so bad." He grinned as things quieted down.

"You are waaay to much of an optimist." Barney said, but he was still smiling.

"It's what I do."

0o0o0o0o0

**A/N Fluffy stuff! It's been far too long.**


End file.
